In case you're dying to ask questions of Pat McCrory, Beverly Earle or any other candidates -- or form judgments if they don't show -- Homeless Helping Homeless is hosting a forum for mayoral and at-large city council candidates Wednesday. It's scheduled for 6 p.m. at St. Peters Episcopal Church, 115 W. 7th Street.

Also, several east Charlotte neighborhood associations are sponsoring a forum Tuesday from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. at Amity Presbyterian Church, 2831 N. Sharon Amity Rd. This forum's organizers say all the candidates are scheduled to attend.

— Cartoon by Jim Hunt

by Rudy Giuliani

So everyone keeps harping on my decision to answer a call from my wife while I was addressing the N.R.A. Big deal. Some calls you just don’t miss. Know who else I always have time for? My BFF Jesus.

Seriously. I always have time for J.Chri’s calls. I know certain people have concerns about that, so I think it’s time we went public. We even have our own celebrity nickname: Giules-us! So cute, right?

I mean, just last week when I was addressing Liberty University, Jesus texted me. What am I gonna do, not respond? Hell no! In fact, check it out yourself:

JC: What up?

9/11 4 EVA: S’up, playa!

JC: You’re killing it!

9/11 4 EVA: ;)

JC: i luv u.

9/11 4 EVA: OMG. LOL!!!

See? I’m just a man with his priorities in order and . . . Hold on a sec. Pro-life just paged me. I should take this.

News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.

Courtesy a news release, here’s info on the Novello Literary Awards that were announced Tuesday at Carolina Writers Night:

Kate Betterton of Chapel Hill won the 2008 Novello Literary Award. Her manuscript, Where the Lake Becomes the River, was chosen from 84 submissions. She’ll receive a $1,000 advance and Novello Festival Press will publish her book in fall 2008.

Five Novello Literary Award finalists will receive a $100 prize: Steve Beck of Whiteville; Lew Holton of Murrells Inlet, S.C.; Ruth Moose of Pittsboro; Rachel Mork of Huntersville; and S. Craig Renfroe, Jr., of Charlotte.

The press also announced that the Cold Mountain Foundation, established by acclaimed author Charles Frazier and his wife, Katherine, will underwrite the Novello Literary Award for the next four years.

The call for submissions for the 2009 Novello Literary Award will open in November. Guidelines will be available on the Web site: www.novellopress.org.

I thought the worst name for a product had to be Anusol -- which looks like Anus Oil. But then again, it is used to treat hemorrhoids.

But, have you seen the commercial for the new acid reflux medication? It's called "Aciphex."

It might not look like much, until you hear that it's pronounced "as-i-fecks" ... which sounds like "ass effects."

You can't make this stuff up. I'm just waiting for the skit on Saturday Night Live:

"Honey, it sounds like we're in a jungle."

"No, dear. Actually, I had to pass gas and that's just my Aciphex. Here, let me see if I can make it sound like rain ..."

That's right ... no more embarrassing fart noises for you. Instead, take Aciphex and you'll get ass effects that sound like you're in a jungle, a busy street or maybe even sound like there's a wild animal nearby.

"Those refried beans I had a lunch were going to be a nightmare at work, but thanks to Aciphex, everyone thinks there's a monkey loose in the office. Thanks, Aciphex!"

Warning: Aciphex is not responsible for sound effects such as a fire bell that happen in a crowded room. Break wind at your own risk.

Cartoon by Jim Hunt

By Jayson Blair

Yes! Finally us journalists can report without fear of facing jail time for protecting our sources. Like for instance, if there was a story about a wounded soldier who isn't granted leave. Through some meticulous fact-finding, a certain sleuth discovers that in addition to a superficial wound in the soldier's arm, he also has taken shrapnel in his eyes and has gone retarded in 65% of his brain. "He is a blind man in a blind war," the journalist eloquently puts it.

But then some propaganda officials in the government subpoena his notes. Well, now this ink slinger can say: "No, you can't see them! Maybe I don't have notes, maybe my notes are more conceptual, a ubiquitous energy force that is both an endangered Blue Whale being poached by Exxon for oil and the elderly woman who is without health care and is about to die of untreated cancer of the ass that she got from 9/11, the point is I don't have to show these 'notes' to you."

And if this reporter gets a wicked quote from General Petreaus revealing his new plan to kill every Iraqi and replace them with the peaceful Kuarupu tribe of the Amazon, and the reporter's needling editor wants to engage in the most time-wasting and stupid practice of all time: fact checking, the reporter doesn't have to.

Even if this asshole editor says: "This Shield bill only applies to external summonses. I'm your editor, you have to show me your notes. Look, let's not make this any more difficult than it has to be, I know this quote is clearly fabricated."

Even then, the reporter doesn't have to show his notes to the editor. Why? Because the bill says so.

News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.