My rumored and assumed sex life is far more eventful than my actual one.
But give me some credit here, people ... no, I've never slept with Tucker Max, but at least that ass-sumption makes sense considering I went on a book tour with him.
Rather, he spent the entire tour making fun of my sex life:
"This is my tour manager Brittney. I'm not sleeping with her, have never slept with her, and will never sleep with her. But she's single, so you guys can hit on her if you want. But you probably won't get anywhere with her unless you're an old redneck or a black football player."
Why would he say that? Let me explain ...
a) I have a big butt and dark hair and skin.
b) I've allegedly dated Michael Vick.
I didn't know about it, but I've heard it several times, so it must be true, right? I literally ran into him once at the Virginia Tech dining hall before he ever played a game there. Does that count as dating? My junior year, I rescued a pitbull from a fighting ring that I now realize was likely Mike Vick's. Does that count?
Funny how a completely ridiculously untrue rumor that I "dated Michael Vick" traveled from Virginia Tech to my hometown in Harrisonburg, Va., all the way down to Charlotte like a word-of-mouth US Weekly.
A girl who went to Virginia Tech told her boyfriend who worked for FOX, and the next thing I know Brotha Fred is making jokes about it. I guess when you're in the mass communications field, a rumor travels a lot further and faster.
Well, a guy I went on a date with not too long ago asked me said rumor:
Dude: Did you ever date Michael Vick?
Me: NOOOOOOOO! That rumor is like herpes, I can't get rid of it.
Dude: (skeptical) Have you ever dated a black guy?
Me: Ummm ... Why does it matter?
He, in so many words, basically said it mattered so much that he couldn't date me if I had.
So, is he racist or insecure?
Now, I can understand him having an issue with me dating a dog-killing football player, but a black guy in general? That, I don't get.
I asked an ex-boyfriend-friend about it, and he said white guys get intimidated by girls who have dated black guys because of the myth that they have huge dicks. And therefore their dick will seem small to her, making her a penis fly trap.
It's bullshit ... the theory and the myth. Trust me, I know. The ex-boyfriend I was inquiring about this to, a skinny white short nerd, is more well-endowed than the tall, built black professional athlete I really did date. (No, it wasn't Michael Vick)
Isn't it the law to be an equal opportunity employer? Well, that should apply to dating as well. A guy's color or penis size really has no effect on how he'll treat you. I get that we're in the South, but maybe we should be more open-minded about this. Girls don't discount guys just because they've dated bikini models and skanks.
"Jungle fever" is not contagious. Don't worry, I'm not going to give it you.