Do thoughts of massive breasts terrorize you at night? Do you avoid restaurants, picnics and Asheville for fear of running into - I can hardly write it - an areola!? Don't worry North Carolina - the General Assembly is ON IT!

• Brown

Rep. Rayne Brown, a Republican representing Davidson County, filed a bill that clarifies North Carolina's indecent-exposure law. The standing legislation makes public nudity a Class 2 misdemeanor but doesn't define naughty bits. Under the just-filed House Bill 34, "private parts" are "external organs of sex and the excretion, including the nipple, or any portion of the areola, of the female human breast."

This bill is total bogus. Man boobs are way more offensive.

Read the bill's text here.