By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

So yesterday I watched the debate between Mr. Obama and Mr. Mrs. Clinton. This was the first I have seen of these — normally our satellite dish does not pick up American channels. But I really wanted to see what the big deal is about with these two, so I had my fourth oldest daughter, Fatima, stand on the roof with a tin foil hat like that one time on the American television show Alf when Alf wore a tin foil hat. What a funny show that was! Anyway, Fatima wanted to watch American Idol, but I told her to keep quiet or I would have her married to a Pashtun.  Besides, Iranian Idol is much better.

What did I learn from this debate? Overall it was a boring affair. Firstly, the sexual tension between the two is greatly overexaggerated. Mr. Obama, I like. He's a handsome fellow. But that Mrs. Clinton ... frankly, her jowls scare me. It's like someone took an old milking goat and stretched its neck skin. Secondly, the Americans call this a debate? All they did was say things back and forth. Not a SINGLE honor killing.

But one thing I was impressed by was their backbone when it came to Iran.  Eight years of "axis of evil" this and "Iran is a serious threat" that and it gets a little old, you know? I consider George Bush a friend and all, but come on, the man isn't exactly a wordsmith. I need fire from my adversaries (yes, we can be both friends and adversaries — like Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag on the American television show The Hills). Oratory power! Strong words! Edicts! Pronouncements! Something to rival "Death to America"!  Something sorta like this from Hillary:

"We will let the Iranians know, that, yes, an attack on Israel would trigger massive retaliation."

Not the best, but pretty good, and light years ahead of anything George could come up with. I would suggest dropping in a phrase or two about divine retribution or the power of the Almighty but did Rembrandt ever tell Van Gogh how to paint water lilies? No, I'm really asking, did he? I took one Western Art class in university and can't remember any of it.

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