It’s funny how reality television can remind you of some reality in your own life. On this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta (spoiler alert) Apollo pulled a high school move and admitted to lying on his peen. This week’s dating story is fitting because, well, you’ll see.
Amy and Calvin had known about each other for years, having gone to the same high school. Amy told one of her friends that she thought Calvin was attractive, so the friend hooked it up and they soon began texting back and forth. The texts were never of a sexual nature, which shocks the hell out of me these days, because y’all know how y’all do!
Anyway, one Saturday night, Amy and her friend Jill went out to a party uptown and lo and behold Calvin was there. Amy and Calvin spend the evening doing some harmless flirting. When Jill tells Amy she isn’t feeling too hot and wants to leave, Calvin offers to take Amy home. Cool? I’ll say cool on this one because they didn’t just meet. Besides, he’s just dropping her off, right?
On the way to her house, Amy realizes Calvin has had a lot to drink. Not only is he still slurping liquor out of a cup as they are driving, he leans over to try to kiss her at every stop light. She keeps asking him to pull over so she can just take over and drive because she isn’t drunk, so she says. Calvin tells Amy he has to make a stop and grab something before he takes her home.
She says fine — this will at least give her a chance to get his ass out of the driver’s seat. They turn into an unfamiliar neighborhood. When she asks if the house they pull up to is his, he says no, that it's where he's staying that weekend. Mofo what?! He invites Amy in.
Now, let’s pause for a moment. If you live in Charlotte, why are you staying at someone’s house for the weekend? If it isn’t your house, why are you inviting folks to come in for a visit? See, maybe Amy should have just cabbed it to the house.
Once inside, Calvin takes her into a bedroom and tells her that it's where he's sleeping and to wait there. It was obviously a child’s room, Amy says, with a twin bed and stuffed animals. When Calvin returns — with a drink in hand, no less — he leans down to kiss her. Wanting to avoid an argument, Amy says she kisses him back, and then tells him it’s time to go. He, of course, tries to take it further, insisting she take her pants off so he can taste her cookie. I mean WHAT IN THE HOT HELL!? Amy says she was not into this at all and kept telling him to take her home. He just kept pawing, trying to ease her pants off.
Finally, Amy tells him she has to go to the bathroom — she figures that way she can call Jill and ask her to come and pick her up. He moves out of the way so she can escape into the bathroom across the hall. Amy manages to reach Jill, but the problem is explaining where she is, as she isn’t familiar with the neighborhood and wasn’t paying attention to the signs. See, let me find out you have to start leaving bread crumbs out and ish to find your way back to your side of town. Amy then creeps out of the bathroom and into the living room to find a piece of mail with the address on it. I mean, was this chick kidnapped or what? Just ask that mofo where the hell they are! Luckily, she finds the address on a magazine, and Jill is on the way to the rescue.
Meanwhile, Amy realizes she has left her flats in the car, and she’s going to have to ask Calvin for his keys. She tip-toes back into the room, only to find Calvin laid out on that twin bed naked, with a condom on, passed out, mouth open, snoring. She looks all over the room for the keys but can’t find them. Girl, just get out of there!
Finally, Amy gives up and decides to just wait outside for Jill, and Calvin never even realizes she's gone until he woke up the next day. *blink*
Several days later, Amy receives a number of text messages asking her about sleeping with Calvin. The only people who knew she was with Calvin that night at the house was Calvin, Jill and if anyone was home that night. She says, judging by the stories that got back to her, the culprit was 30-something-year-old Calvin.
Now, I’m going to assume since Calvin was drunk, he just imagined those things, but to have the audacity to spread rumors like a teenage boy in a locker room? Now that is trifling. Amy says she confronted Calvin about the lies, and he pretended to not understand what she was referring to. The important lesson she says she learned that night? Not to trust riding with someone who has to stop and get something before they take you home.
GIRL … that’s all you learned?! Anyway, I’m just shocked and clutching my pearls at the thought of a grown ass man lying on his peen — what a web we weave when we lie on a peen to deceive. What in the hell could he have possibly gained from this? I’m all out of damns to figure this one out.
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