I swear to God if I hear another corny hit from the '70s or '80s emitting unironically from the purse or belt strap of an old person, I'm going to lose my mind.

Much like the Ed Hardy t-shirt clinging to the unappealing flesh of a walking mid-life crisis, ringtones are just another avenue for those crossing over from being young to old to say, "Hey, I know what the kids are doing."

Being unhip is what we expect from you. It's your role on team life, okay?

Besides, we get it. Middle-age chicks go nuts for neo-soul but the the Maxwell, Robin Thicke and Brian McKnight ringtones really must stop. Having "Pretty Wings" drilled in your head in the summer time wasn't especially terrible but now it's mind-numbing. Not a bad song, just annoying.

Ringback tones are even worse. Nothing says, I'm in high school like having a song playback instead of your phone ringing. And the selections in this spot are also a bit curious.

Who's to blame? I say BlackBerry. You went from the phone of bankers and businessmen to 'tweens and cool kids. When you went from leather belt clip to pink Donne & Burke holster and started telling people you could do Facebook and Twitter as well as spreadsheets, you created a monster. And now we have to live with it and suffer the insufferable consequences.

Damn you ringtones and ringbacks! Can't we just have the days of default tones? *Earth, Wind & Fire ringtone goes off* Sorry, I gotta take this.