“Drinks soon?” That's the text I sent out to some of my friends who were ... let’s call them "ardently" opposed to Obama’s re-election. My intentions are sincere. I want to commiserate with them and let them tell me how this time we, the American people, are “intimately romanced in a non-traditional orifice." It'll be different from four years ago, when they told me I was intimately romanced in the aforementioned non-traditional orifice, but even more intimately and even more aforementioned.

It’s a bit harder for me to feel bad. Either way in this election I was going to win. I’m a comic on the side, so I have the option of viewing things in a less traditional manner. If the guy running the show is subpar (G.W. Bush), not all there mentally (Reagan), emblematic of something people don’t like (Clinton) or generally just a tool (Harding), it just makes my job easier. Romney would have been a comedy goldmine, but I can make do with Obama.


I had my other preferences for president, but since Optimus Prime was not born in the United States and adorable LOL-meme kittens are never going to live long enough to meet the 35-year-old minimum age (sorry, cat-hoarders), I had to go with Obama because it is the vote that would most likely annoy the majority of Albemarle, which I have picked as my nemesis this election cycle (next time: Tarboro).

So with my win-win scenario in mind, I happily go through my roster of conservative friends like I’m checking on elderly people to make sure they’re OK. All of them ignored the offered therapeutic free drink I offered to buy them (limited to domestic beers, well liquor or anything that involves the word "mystery") and chose to continue their therapeutic texting with me (I believe the cool kids are calling it "thexting"). I think I can safely say that never before in history has one human being mentioned to another that they were concerned about the black helicopters and targeted suburban drone strikes, only to receive the text emoticon for a hug in response.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet with some friends who are going to let me vent about how downhill things are going on Gossip Girl. That show is totally intimately romanced in a non-traditional orifice this season.

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