SATIRE ALERT! To quote the great Sen. John Kyl, the following is “not meant to be a factual statement.”  To non-dimwitted readers, we apologize for having to include this disclaimer. Now, on to the news.

We have learned that N.C. House Speaker Thom Tillis and Majority Leader Paul “Skip” Stam held an emergency meeting late yesterday after they heard of Alabama’s new, restrictive law on illegal immigration. Under that law, schools will be required to find out whether students are in the country lawfully, and it will be a crime to knowingly give an illegal immigrant a ride.

A source in Tillis’ office told us Speaker Tillis and Stam are concerned that Alabama will get “all the glory” for passing a law that’s even tougher than Arizona’s “show us your papers” statute. Tillis’ associate told us, “Thom and Skip don’t want North Carolina to be left behind in the ‘Most Hateful State Legislature’ pageant, coming up during the Fourth of July weekend.” The two lawmakers decided to draft a new N.C. anti-illegal immigration law that would top Alabama’s; naturally, they first contacted Mecklenburg County Commissioner (and former federal illegal immigrant rounder-upper) Jim Pendergraph and U.S. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-Mr.Coffee) for suggestions. After intensive discussions of nearly 10 minutes, our Immigration Quartet came up with the following requirements, which they want to see enacted as law in North Carolina:

• Like Alabama, N.C. schools will be required to find out whether students are in the country lawfully, and citizens can be prosecuted for giving an illegal immigrant a ride. In addition, Tillis & Co. propose the following measures:

• It is prohibited to give illegal immigrants taxi fare, or money for a bus or light rail ride. And plane fare? Fuhgeddaboutit.

• Anyone selling North Carolina pork barbecue, Cheerwine, Krispy Kreme donuts, or cigarettes produced in N.C. to a Hispanic person must first check the customer’s immigration status.

• No one of Hispanic origin may buy, possess, or consume Krispy Kreme’s special Cheerwine Crème Donuts. There’s just so much of our precious cultural heritage North Carolinians can be expected to share.

• Anyone, at any time, may ask a Hispanic person to prove he or she is in the country legally. If that Hispanic person cannot produce such evidence, the askers can make the illegal immigrant cut their grass for free.

In addition, it is now a crime to:

• Knowingly pay an illegal immigrant for his/her work.

• Knowingly shake hands with, high-five, or give the thumbs-up sign to an illegal immigrant.

• Knowingly tweet an illegal immigrant.

• Knowingly use the term “Futbol” for soccer.

• Knowingly order “green salsa” in a Mexican restaurant if one is non-Hispanic.

• Knowingly speak Spanish to your children.

• Knowingly offer to have sex with an illegal immigrant on state property.

And finally, one year from the law’s enactment, all Hispanics in North Carolina who are found to be in the country illegally will be required to wear a visible symbol of a taco on the outside of their clothes.

"We think these are great, great proposals," said Tillis' associate, "and frankly, it gives us a leg up in the 'Hateful Legislature' pageant. We're all keeping our fingers crossed."

• In N.C. illegally? Don't try to buy our Cheerwine.