by John Grooms
Here is the latest sign that the cultural apocalypse is upon us: Bristol Palin has a book deal. Sorry to bring you the news, but its true. The former worlds-most-famous unwed teen mother; spokesperson for sexual abstinence while banging Baby Daddy again behind Moms back; writer of nearly illiterate, homophobic tweets in which she gracefully told a critic he was just talking shit because youre jealous of our familys success; contestant on Dancing With the Stars; and tragic heir to her mothers makeup-addict gene, the 20-year-old will publish a book this summer. Entitled Not Afraid of Life, the book will be "an inside look at her life," says her publisher, the formerly super-respectable William Morrow, whose website boasts, William Morrow upholds its 80-year legacy of bringing the highest quality fiction and nonfiction to the broadest possible audience. The publisher also describes Palin as "plainspoken and disarmingly down to earth (translation: We had to write it for her).
But wow, an inside look at Bristols life! Lets see: born in a backward shithole of a town in Americas Freezer; raised by a self-absorbed, cranky religious nutcase; hmm, what else? Oh yeah, hung around Wasilla; got pregnant at 17 after screwing her sad burgs lone hunk; and then followed in Moms opportunistic footsteps by finding ways to make money off her bewildering celebrity. If today you happen to hear wailing, screaming, vomiting and/or the gnashing of teeth, dont be alarmed its probably the sound of Americas actual writers. But hey, this is America in the 21st century; if Snooki could get a book deal, perhaps Bristol is entitled.
Meanwhile, one of my favorite bloggers, Jesus General, claims to have an advance copy of Bristols book. Heres a copy of page 2: