Bristol Palin has a book deal?! Aarrrghhhh!

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Here is the latest sign that the cultural apocalypse is upon us: Bristol Palin has a book deal. Sorry to bring you the news, but it’s true. The former world’s-most-famous unwed teen mother; spokesperson for sexual abstinence while banging Baby Daddy again behind Mom’s back; writer of nearly illiterate, homophobic tweets in which she gracefully told a critic he was “just talking shit because you’re jealous of our family’s success”; contestant on Dancing With the Stars; and tragic heir to her mother’s makeup-addict gene, the 20-year-old will publish a book this summer. Entitled Not Afraid of Life, the book will be "an inside look at her life," says her publisher, the formerly super-respectable William Morrow, whose website boasts, “William Morrow upholds its 80-year legacy of bringing the highest quality fiction and nonfiction to the broadest possible audience.” The publisher also describes Palin as "plainspoken and disarmingly down to earth” (translation: “We had to write it for her”).

But wow, an inside look at Bristol’s life! Let’s see: born in a backward shithole of a town in America’s Freezer; raised by a self-absorbed, cranky religious nutcase; hmm, what else? Oh yeah, hung around Wasilla; got pregnant at 17 after screwing her sad burg’s lone hunk; and then followed in Mom’s opportunistic footsteps by finding ways to make money off her bewildering celebrity. If today you happen to hear wailing, screaming, vomiting and/or the gnashing of teeth, don’t be alarmed — it’s probably the sound of America’s actual writers. But hey, this is America in the 21st century; if Snooki could get a book deal, perhaps Bristol is entitled.

Meanwhile, one of my favorite bloggers, Jesus’ General, claims to have an advance copy of Bristol’s book. Here’s a copy of page 2:

BristolBook

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