God help us: Sue Myrick wants a gun

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Rep. Sue Myrick (R-Panic) probably just doesn’t want to be out-paranoided (that’s a word, right?) by a couple of whippersnappers. In response to reports that two N.C. members of Congress, Heath Shuler and Renee “Terror Mosque” Ellmers, are packing heat, Myrick says she’s been meaning to get a concealed-carry permit, too, and may do it sooner rather than later. An unidentified source in a double shot of Maker's Mark told us that Shuler and Ellmers’ proactive measures to protect themselves in the wake of the Arizona shootings have “shamed and embarrassed” Myrick into “upping her game, gunwise.

“You have to realize,” the source continued, although I tried to get it to shut up, “Sue’s the queen of political paranoia, so for her to be upstaged by a couple of upstarts from her own state, well, let’s just say it’s been a rough week.”

Seriously, Myrick has indeed been noted throughout her political career as a championship-caliber fear-monger. Over the years, she’s been known to freak out over a laundry list of concerns including undocumented immigrants, Iranian convenience store owners, Islamic terrorists, “lemming” teenagers listening to heavy metal, and even Hezbollah fighters sneaking into the U.S. from Mexico. Myrick’s opponents, on the other hand, have been concerned for years over her claims that a coffeemaker once told her to run for office. (In case you’re new to Charlotte, no, we’re not kidding about either the “laundry list” or the coffeemaker.)

I propose that Sue go all the way with this gun idea, and form an elite “Congressional anti-terror posse” with her two N.C. congressional soulmates, Virginia Foxx and Patrick McHenry. They could patrol the halls of Congress, taking potshots at anything suspicious, and tallying the number of potential terrorists (or immigrants, Muslims, teenagers, whatever) they’ve eliminated. If nothing else, it would sure cut down on the number of annoying visitors interrupting Congress’ important work. Make us proud, Sue!

Myrick, flanked by Foxx (L) and McHenry (R), announces the formation of her new, armed-and-dangerous Congressional anti-terror posse
  • Myrick, flanked by Foxx (L) and McHenry (R), announces the formation of her new, armed-and-dangerous Congressional anti-terror posse

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