O boy, yet another great idea for turning our public schools into repressive hellholes. Drug dogs are on the way to Charlotte Mecklenburg Schools – isn’t it exciting? And it’s about time, too, because, according to CMS, a whopping 4 one-thousandths of all CMS students were involved in a “drug incident” last year! Four one-thousandths! Not only that, but that number represents a whopping 13 percent increase over the previous year – 13 percent! – which means that in the previous year, the percentage of “drug incident” students was a measly 3.6 one- thousandths. And now it’s up to 4 one-thousandths?! Holy crap, call in the Marines! Huh? The Marines are busy? Oh well, I guess drug-sniffing dogs will have to do. For now.
All satire and sarcasm aside, what the hell? Drug dogs in our public schools, sniffing for “contraband” in students’ lockers, desks, book bags and cars? And this is OK with everyone?
But, hey, don’t worry, say the authorities – it won’t disrupt school at all, because all the students will be on "lockdown" in classrooms (think of it as extra study time). Except, of course, for students in a classroom that’s being searched, in which case they’ll be moved somewhere else, but other than that, it shouldn’t really disrupt much of anything at all, right? Other than creating a police state atmosphere in a place of learning, heightening student and teacher anxiety, and teaching students that they essentially have no rights, what could go wrong?
I say if we're going to go the police state route in our schools, let's do it up right. The drug dogs should be only the first step in fighting this scourge. Why not set up metal detectors at each entrance? Or those new full-body scanners like they have at the airport? And how about surveillance cameras every five feet -- three feet! -- throughout the school building. Or, better yet, you have to pass a urine drug test to even get in the door. Or wait, wait, I’ve got it – drug-detecting computer chips implanted in students’ buttocks! There we go, what a great idea – and that way, there won’t be any disruptions from the dogs and cops in the building.
Sorry, I’ve got to run; I’m headed to CMS offices to tell them about my great idea, although, come to think of it, I better start slowly and get a signed consultant agreement first. I hear those pay pretty well. But after that, it won’t be long before we can all rest easy, knowing that our little darlings are safe and sound at Stalag High School.