by John Grooms
CAUTION: SATIRE ALERT!
Leaders of two local secularist groups, Jesus: Just Say No! and Presbys In Remission, have announced plans to burn copies of the New Testament, in protest of a Christian Concord mans plot to blow up an abortion clinic. Self-proclaimed Christian freedom fighter Justin Moose is in custody after the FBI charged him with distributing information on how to make explosives, in an effort to bomb an abortion clinic.
The announcement of the planned New Testament burnings, made by JJSNs Will Scarlet and PIRs Marian Hood, has set off a firestorm of controversy, with both secular and religious leaders appealing to the pair to refrain from torching a text that is sacred to 2 billion Christians around the world.
Weve reached the limit of how much violence well tolerate from these Christian terrorists, said a visibly upset Marian Hood. First it was Eric Rudolph, then clinic guards killed in Australia, then the doctor-killer in Kansas, and now this moron in Concord, of all places. These Christian terrorists are a menace to normal, non-goober types of people, so we plan to do something about them: burn their holy book. Hood said the groups will hold several secularist bonfires around the city in the next week, locations to be determined.
JJSNs Will Scarlet ramped up the rhetoric by proclaiming, Ill go farther than Marian and say the bomb plot in Concord conclusively proves that Christianity itself is a very real menace. Christian believers say theyre a religion of peace and love, but their actions tell a different story. I mean, hello? The Crusades, anybody? These people are violent and dangerous and its the least we can do to get rid of their so-called New Testament.
Some national secularist leaders, including honchos from Planned Parenthood and the Secular Coalition of America, are condemning the planned burnings, saying, Destroying others holy books goes against basic American principles namely, the one that says religious people run everything, so why risk making them mad?
Atheist leaders in Europe are asking JJSN and PIR to put down your Bic lighters and get a life you wanna get us all killed over here? Local Christian leaders have reacted in various ways. Rev. Lester Tesnear of Concords Church of the Holy Warrior cryptically announced, We have plans for dealing with atheist scum like this. Charlotte Roman Catholic bishop Peter Jugis said, Sorry, Im feeling faint. A spokesman for Myers Park Baptist said, Were going to have to ponder this for awhile before saying anything. And Rev. Franklin Grahams head exploded. Stay tuned for the latest on this breaking satire.