Top 5 new names for United Way



The United Way of Central Carolinas soon may be looking for a new name, according to Board Chair Carlos Evans. Some board members think a name change for the agency could be a good way to regain public trust after the CEO Gloria Pace King salary/board-members-asleep-at-the-wheel scandal.

According to reliable sources, the agency conducted a survey in which Charlotteans were asked their first reaction to the words “the United Way.” Results: “Retching sounds” — 38 percent; “Buncha damned crooks” — 22 percent; “I want my money back” — 20 percent; “I thought I was on a no-call list” — 12 percent; “A great cause” — 5 percent; and “Speak up, the neighbor’s yappy dog is barking again” — 3 percent.

You can see why some in the agency think a new name is needed. We’re here to help, so here are our top five suggestions for a new United Way moniker. Enjoy!

5. The S.S. Titanic

4. Annual Corporate Bigshots Bragging Rights Death Match

3. All for One!

2. Pimp My Charity

1. “Sorry!” (as spoken by “Gilly,” a Kristen Wiig character on SNL)

OK, United Wayers, hope this helps. By the way, here’s how you should say “Sorry” . . .

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