Holy Jumpin' Jesus, fellow Americans, could we maybe act a little more like chickens with our heads cut off? The American media, particularly the usual suspects in TV news, have jumped on the Swine Flu bandwagon as if this is the story that's gonna take them to the Promised Land. CNN- or FoxNews-addicted slugs with nothing interesting going on in their lives are taking the opportunity to scare themselves into a frenzy, while rightwing nuts, naturally, are saying the "outbreak" is a government conspiracy to declare martial law. If you are one of the people who are torn out of the frame about Swine Flu, I'd like to calmly urge you to GET A FRIGGIN' GRIP, FOR GOD'S SAKE! In normal (non-freaked-out) times, this Swine Flu thing wouldn't even be considered a big deal. At the time I'm writing this, there have been 40 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the U.S. Let's say that by tonight there are 100 cases; that would still mean that less than one-30,000th of one percent of Americans would have contracted the illness. Or, as John Oliver said last night on the Daily Show, these numbers prove conclusively that "almost no one has Swine Flu." If you simply have to freak out about something, at least make it something real: the neighbor's poorly trained pit bull, the kid down the street with bruises on his arms, termites, anything but this latest example of a bored national media with too much time to fill, jerking the rest of us around.