By Dick Cheney

Soon enough, I will be stepping down from my post as vice president of the United States – one of the best jobs I’ve had in years. Before I go, I’d just like to offer some friendly advice to mysuccessor, whoever she may be.

1) Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff!

It’s like the title of that book Lynne and I keep in the bathroom. I've learned through experience that sweating the small stuff can have negative side effects on your health, such as: four heart attacks, severe atrial fibrillation, unstable angina, congestive heart failure, knee aneurysms, kidney failure, sleep apnea and athlete’s foot. The good news is that each time your sinister life flashes before your eyes, your soul will die a little more, making it easier to not sweat anything.

2) Find a hobby

It’s important to have something outside of work that adds joy to your life. I won’t tell you what that something should be, but it shouldn’t not be feasting on the blood of a newborn babe under a full moon…

3) Resist the urge to grab the wheel and drive all of civilization in the abyss

If you’re like me, you’ll wake up every morning with the same burning desire: to destroy the sun. While it makes perfect sense to end this worthless disease known as humanity by plunging everything into eternal darkness, such behavior is mostly frowned upon.

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