By John McCain
Friends, many moons ago I wrote to you about my choices for Vice-President (pronounced "veep"). Since then, I have considered many candidates for the job, and received many nice fruit baskets. Although Mitt forgot that I do not like pomegranates. I don't trust anything with that many seeds.
After much deliberation and a good long talk with Mother, I've picked Sarah Palin, a hockey mom from Alaska who also happens to be a governor. People are asking me, "Why her?" and "Is she experienced enough?" and to those people I say: Who are you? How did you get my phone number? But to you blog readers, I will gladly explain myself. Why her? Here's why:
1. She is only 44, which means she will be able to help me figure out how to set the time on my goddam wristwatch.
2. According to my political advisers, this will guarantee me Alaska's 3 electoral college votes. As the young people say, Ka-Ching! (That's the sound of a cash register.)
3. According to John Edwards, she can put her legs behind her head. I'm not sure why he kept winking when he told me this, but it is true with my old injuries, we need some flexibility on this ticket, pronto.
4. She doesn't have any scandals lingering around. The last thing I wanted was to pick someone and then learn they were doing odd things in airport bathrooms or something. There was something I saw about a police chief and something else about impregnated 17-year-olds, but hey, that was probably just a dream I had.
5. We've had Dick Cheney as VP for the past eight years, and if Obama wins, we'll have Joe Biden for another four. America, let me ask you this: Isn't it time we had a VP we could fantasize about?
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