The top 10 sexist moments from the trail



By Hillary Clinton 

After consulting some outside sources (Geraldine Ferraro), it appears I got more screwed by sexism than Barack did by racism. Probably because I lost. But just for kicks, I thought I'd recount my top 10 most sexist moments on the trail:

10. The Obama Bro’s Before Ho’s t-shirts. It’s not that I think this age-old mantra is misogynistic; it’s more that I question its accuracy. You put any ho between two bros and that chicka will have those dudes clawing at each other’s eyeballs if she so much as smiles or makes eye contact with one of them. It’s called pussy power. It’s very real and very powerful.

9. Speaking of shirts, the heckler who yelled “Iron my shirt” at my stump speech. The shirt was indeed very wrinkly. After I pressed them out for him, that bastard put the shirt back on carelessly and created more creases!

8. My financial troubles. People are saying that I’m in the red $21 million because I’m a woman who can’t manage a checkbook! Please. I’m in this much debt because of my stubborn refusal to quit. This stems from my need for approval which is rooted in latent daddy issues.

7. Barack playing "99 Problems" at a primary victory party. OK, I'm actually not that pissed about this one because Jay-Z is a personal favorite and I thought it was kind of funny. I'll give him credit for not playing "Soldier Boy" — which recounts a debase sexual act involving a cape and garden tools as far as I can tell. 

6. The media referring to me as Hillary and every other candidate by his surname. This chauvinistic exercise trivializes my message and my campaign, but I think I have a compromise solution. We’ll all just go by our middle names. So from here on out I’ll respond to Diane. And Barack — what’s his middle name again? Oh that’s right — Hussein.

5. Cleavage-gate. Actually pointing out that any part of my body is feminine, or more specifically, that it’s feminine and unattractive. Be it my turkey neck, my plaster mold-like hair cut or my superhuman nutcracking ability.

4. The time I watched Knocked Up in my hotel room. Judd Apatow’s understanding of women runs about as deep as my knowledge of nuclear fission.

3. Barack calling that waitress sweetie. Sure, that got a ton of press because Barack did it. But when I call a male bus boy “sugar dick” no one covers it.

2. Obama Girl. 

1. This post. While it seems like its purpose was to support the theory that sexism played a detrimental role in the campaign, the real intent was to mock and subvert my claims of sexism.

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