By Hillary Clinton

Well, my campaign just got a lot less kick- you- in- the- nuts- with- a- steel -toe- boot- then- slash- your-throat- with- a- jagged- shiv- while- you're- doubled- over. In other words, Mark Penn, aka the Grand Douche, has left team Hillary. In the end, he insisted on trading cocaine with some shaddy Colombians instead of opening up the market to American producers.

Some critics have wondered why this move to dismiss my "gruff, rumpled strategist" wasn't made earlier -- like a few days after he was first hired by my husband in 1996.

Calling Mark Penn a polarizing figure is to put it gently. I remember one time an aide announced she had just gotten engaged and Mark said something to the effect of "Congrats on getting a guy drunk then poking holes in the condom." And that was him being charming.

Other than being an unapologetic prick, Mark was often blinded by his ego and made some critical oversights. As the papers are pointing out, it was Mark who decided to ignore small states because "Small town people are so fucking ignorant. Thinking about their insignificant, meaningless lives literally makes me nauseous. If you think I'm stepping foot in an ass-backwards middle-America state, you can go fuck yourself."

Piggy was also against taking actions to show my human side. For instance, he thought I should write this blog in my native PHP code, my computer language instead of appearing soft and conforming. So as a fairwell, for your eyes only Mark: str_replace()

News Groper features more than 50 parody blogs by politicians, celebrities, business tycoons, and foreign despots.