What, just because Huma Abedin is a gorgeous babe who manages to smell like fresh lilacs even on a sweltering campaign bus in the middle of a summer, means I’m having a secret, sweaty sex fest with her? This is beyond absurd. If I were a lesbian, why would you assume that knockout Huma is even my type? Maybe I’m a femme, going for butch types with their squat physiques, angular jaws and ubiquitous cynicism. The point is there are many types of lesbians that I could go for.

Whereas a Lipstick goes for tan goddesses like Huma, a Chapstick lesbian is hot for average soccer mom types (Martha Stewart) and/or has dry lips. Sapphists are lesbian women of high culture, who like to wax about gendered constructs within hierarchical discourses over an ’89 Bordeaux before going downtown.

Or maybe I just have a thing for Japanese women. There’s not even a name for that. But I know this, they’re hotter than Koreans. Mama likes them mousy.

Diesel lesbians are lesbians who fix their own cars, so are you going to assume that because I own a car, I’m into greased up, bandannaed Rosie the Riviter types?

One thing is certain, if I were a lesbian I would be a bottom. I know what you’re thinking; lesbians don’t have tops and bottoms like gay men, and if they did, wouldn’t I play consensus lovemaking and not align myself with either party? Nonsense, any fool could see that my repressed sexual alter ego would yearn to be dominated.

So maybe what I really want is to be a homosexual male submissive. So what? They’re no surgery for that, so it doesn’t matter even if I did.

By Pat Robertson

Recently I’ve been going through old 700 Club footage in preparation for our “Best Of” holiday season DVD. Here’s a classic quote from an early season:

"Planned Parenthood is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism-everything that the Bible condemns." – Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, 4/9/91

I will NOT stand by with my hands behind my back while organizations such as Planned Parenthood lay the path for man/warthog, woman/elephant sexual relations or any other vicious combination (like three-toed sloth/two gay guys etc.).

On top of it all, they propound the use of condoms. Look, if you’re gonna have bestial relations, it is improper to use a condom. Sex is for procreation only. If you’re not ready to look into the eyes of your half-human/half-rhino baby, then perhaps you shouldn’t be having relations with the rhino. Just stay friends you know. Take it slow. Ecclesiastes 9:17-19—“the man who lays in amorous union with a rhino must know when to take it to the next level and when to just get his cds and his Scarface poster back and move on.”

I tell ya who else is getting on my nerves: those Planned Parenthood Lesbian Sorceresses. They are teaching good, decent alligators to leave their husbands. Now see here, if you’re an alligator woman you must submit to the power of your human husband. It’s not his fault you have short stubby arms and can’t wash dishes well. It’s not his fault you’re only in the mood once a year or that if he wanted to he could hold your mouth closed because it is only strong one way and not the other.

I also take great umbrage with Planned Parenthood pamphlets. In order to promulgate their message they features pictures of lesbian lemurs and gay ostriches. Where are all the happy, conventional heterosexual ostrich couples? Not every lemur is an unhappy communist lesbian. Some want to submit to the will of a man. Right?

Cartoon by Jim Hunt

Speaking of good causes (see below), friends of Mark Ortiz have put together a bike ride to raise money for him. Ortiz, who ran in the Democratic primary to unseat U.S. Rep. Robin Hayes, was struck by a hit-and-run driver Nov. 6 while driving in Harrisburg. The accident left him with broken ribs, broken vertebrae, a broken pelvis, and a long recovery ahead. He's now at Carolinas Medical Center, where he's finally been moved out of intensive care.

The 15-mile bicycle ride is scheduled for 10 a.m. on Nov. 23 in Concord. Folks are supposed to gather at the Sweet Pea Cafe and Restaurant, 22 Union St.

Mark is an ardent bicyclist and is involved in Concord's Drinking Liberally, a social group where people, uh, drink liberally. I've seen him a few times at the Charlotte branch's meetings. You can find updates on his condition here. Left on 49 also has some info.

If you have a moment, check out this blog by a woman who’s running a half marathon (13.1 miles) on Dec. 8 to raise money for health care in Africa.

Joy Doner of Charlotte, 27, is leaving her physical therapy job in Rock Hill to work in South Africa with the nonprofit African Medical Mission. She’ll be working in the Transkei region, which, according to a South African newspaper cited on AMM’s Web site, is “on the brink of collapse and one of apartheid’s worst legacies and the Eastern Cape’s biggest nightmares … it is under funded, marginalized, has little infrastructure or communications, and its services are collapsing.”

Here’s a few words from the press release that Joy's friend, Meg Handley, sent:

Joy’s endeavors represent a growing need for the people of America to educate themselves on extreme poverty issues in our country and around the world. Extreme poverty is defined as living on less than $1 a day. Seventy one percent of South African residents live in extreme poverty and 38% are unemployed, resulting in the inability to pay for appropriate health care, (www.southafrica.info). The region also suffers from a lack of trained professionals. Joy’s expertise and ability to volunteer will help in some small way to improve the health and wellbeing of countless individuals and take a step toward ending extreme poverty by educating the community.

By Christopher Walken

Here is a list of people in the world who make me want to brain myself with a shovel:

10. People with “Support Our Troops” ribbons on their cars. I have a “Support Our Ribbon Industry” ribbon on my bumper.

9. Anyone who refers to an apartment or an event venue as “a great space.” This is me in “a great space.” There are no yuppies there.