By Ralph Nader

Last week, a sizable gathering of conservative religious leaders retreated to Utah to eat salt-water taffy and discuss their collective disappointment with the front runners in Republican presidential field. Upset that pro-choice, anti-gun candidate Rudy Giuliani's political halo is still gleaming, they've decreed:

If there is a pro-abortion nominee [elected in the primary] we will consider working with a third party…

As soon as I read the news, I subleased my apartment on Craigslist, bought a bio-diesel pick-up truck, and headed West to translate my views into the political psalms of the heartland. Here are the beginnings of a new message. I am still the same old Nader, just with a much broader and, albeit, more pious base this go around.

Pro-life: I'm not afraid to say that the life of a sapling begins at germination. I am totally opposed to the abhorrent and immoral procedure of clear-cutting -- except, of course, in the rare cases where the health of the forest ecosystem is at risk.

2nd Amendment: I'm 100 percent in favor of the right to bear arms. Let it also be known, that I full-heartedly support bear legs, and for the most part, the torso.

Creationism: Like Eve from the rib of Adam, we as a nation must create more and better jobs; not ship them outside of this garden we call America. The serpents in our midst are NAFTA and the WTO, and the only thing that must "evolve" is the domestic consumer's demand for good ol' American craftsmanship.

Family Values: Despite not having any actual children, I have written a book on parenting. Not having offspring has other benefits. It means I cannot possibly have gay children. Unless I adopt one, which, at my age, I most certainly will not.

Nader: The "Hail Mary" candidate in '08

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