By Dick Cheney

8/2/07 9:00 AM EST | Unknown Park

Not that it was my idea (although it, like everything else, was my decision), but I'm in the midst of a media-friendly image makeover. When the White House strategists decided they needed a friendly personality to defend the administration's strategy in Iraq and elsewhere, they immediately, of course, thought of me. Not because I'm friendly, but because whenever something needs to get done around here (acid-waterboarding terror suspects, leaking names of CIA agents, checking W's closet for monsters), they come to me.

So in an effort to become a more likable, friendly person, I am not blogging from my usual dark and cool secure bunker, but instead from a nearby park. Nearby to what, you ask? Ha ha, nice try, terrorist.

I'm blogging from out here in the park because there seems to be a lot of happy people around here (ignorant of the ever-present danger all around them, ready to strike), doing normal people stuff, and I'm trying to pick up some pointers. Throughout the park, they're eating picnics, tossing Frisbees and generally having a good time. Their laughter is strange to me, maybe because it's not maniacal, and doesn't immediately follow the decision to destroy life.

I'm also practicing my ability to control my nearly irrepressible rage. Right now, I'm fighting the urge to whip out my rifle and shoot that goddamn annoying robin right in its pretty red breast. A dog is barking a short distance away, and though I'm tempted to strangle it and stomp on its corpse before handing it back to little Timmy, I will resist. That's the old Cheney.

But that dog is getting on my nerves. Maybe I'll have Scooter take care of it.

[Laughs maniacally while staring at dog]