Are you up to your ears in Thanksgiving leftovers? I know I am. But, believe it or not, I’m actually not a huge fan of turkey, stuffing and the likes. Nevertheless, after an extended weekend at home with the family that featured a mannequin challenge, moonshine and a Salisbury trip on the Polar Express — in no particular order — I’m happy that it’s officially time to put up Christmas decorations.
No lie, I had a panic attack as a result of overexertion and overexcitement following Christmas shopping at Hobby Lobby on Saturday. Who am I? This year, instead of hunting for the best clothing deals on Black Friday and Cyber Monday, I spent close to $200 on Christmas plates and decorations. I never thought I’d be a Suzy Homemaker. But can you blame me? Anthropologie’s visual marketing gets me every time.
On Sunday, while my boy toy snoozed away his hangover, I decided to get in the Christmas spirit. I put on Krampus and started pulling out all of the Christmas decorations I already had. Two trees, hand towels and table settings later, I was coming down off my Christmas high.
Just when I was seriously considering going to grab another tree, I realized my holiday office party at Suite was just a few days away. Nothing like a good old-fashioned party to get me back in the spirit. But then, just as quick as my excitement returned, the ghosts of Christmas parties past paid me a visit.
One year, I got caught double-fisting by the president of our company. That was before I became a guilty party in a glass-shattering incident. And before getting a ride to All American Pub from a police officer, where I’m pretty sure I was canoodling all night in front of another higher-up.
The following year, I’d hoped to show major improvements. Nope. I ended up getting drunk once again and this time, I was overheard making questionably lewd comments in front of my current boss who ever so gently reminded me of our anniversary last week, “Are you going to be on your best behavior for the Christmas party this year?”
Even after our awkward interaction a year ago, I could tell he still wasn’t judging me, however, I was definitely judging myself. Scout’s honor, this year is going to be different. Not sure whether or not you know how to behave at your company’s party? Below are a few things that are guaranteed to land you on the naughty list with your boss and other higher-ups:
1. Getting sloppy drunk. Take a few notes from me. No one wants to be the weepy, vommy, mouthy co-worker that’s purging at the office party. Most likely there will be some sort of open bar, so prepare yourself. Eat the hors d’oeuvres, stick with what you know and if they’re only paying for beer, wine and champagne, save hard liquor for the after party.
2. Insulting the higher-ups. Make sure you’re aware of the head honchos that are going to be in attendance at your office party. Greet them early and once you’ve had your fair share, avoid them at all costs. Then you won’t have to try and remember what you may have said walking into the office Monday morning, like I did.
3. Dwelling on work. Don’t like your job? Hate one of your co-workers? Frustrated from a call earlier that day? Leave those topics at the door. The moment alcohol touches your lips, you’ll want to vent and you may end up sticking your foot in your mouth. The motto to remember: “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.”
4. Wearing skimpy clothes. As if you haven’t already made a name for yourself in the office for your risqué clothing choice, the office party does not give you a good excuse to stretch your legs — pun intended. Don’t let the venue choice of a local bar or club fool you. That mini skirt wasn’t appropriate then, and it isn’t appropriate now. I repeat, save it for the after party.
Before you turn your annual office holiday party into The Nightmare Before Christmas, think twice. After all, Santa (aka your boss) knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
What’s your favorite or most embarrassing memory from an office party past? Share it with me at firstname.lastname@example.org