“Just because I’m gay and I smoke weed, doesn’t mean I can’t believe in fiscal policy.” — overheard drunk gab from someone identifying as Republican.
One of the funniest aspects of going out as often as I do is overhearing, and being a part of, drunk conversations. Over the past couple of months, I decided to spend more time listening to my friends and the people around me so I could share some of my favorite quotes in an article. The experience I’ve had has been absolutely hilarious. From overhearing drunk political debates on legalizing marijuana to corny pickup lines.
As conversations continue about Kaitlyn Jenner, Orange is the New Black and the recent passing of same-sex marriage legislation, sexuality is at the top of the list for drunk people to gab about. From overhearing, “I’m not a lesbian, I just like to get drunk and make out with my friends” to “I would totally be gay for Ruby Rose,” I have heard it all. Would you believe there are even corny lesbian dinosaur jokes? “Have you ever heard of the lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus.”
My favorite conversation was with a newlywed at Jack Beagle’s. The guy stopped by my table to bum a cigarette from a friend. I happened to look at his hands and noticed his nails were well-kept. “It’s rare you find a guy that takes care of his nails. They look great,” I told him. He chuckled and said, “I was getting married last weekend and I felt like I needed to get a manicure because there were pictures being taken of our hands. The woman told me it would cost $30 which I didn’t think was out of the ordinary. Later, the girls in the wedding party asked me what they did to my nails. I told them they told me they painted my nails a bunch of times and held them under a light. They busted out laughing and told me I got gel nails and it would last three weeks.” By the end of the story, I was dying laughing as someone then asked him, “Did you marry a man or a woman?!”
Have you ever just sat in the women’s bathroom and listened to the convos that take place there? For girls to be so catty at times, you would think we were all friends while passing toilet paper from one stall to another or standing in the mirror before leaving. “Oh my gah, I love your outfit. Where’d you get it?!”
One night, when I was tired of standing and attempting to sober up, I decided to head to the bathroom and listen in on some lady talk. I knew from the first moment, it was going to be a good note-taking bathroom visit when I walked into a horrified, pale face that had just exited a stall and said, “I’m not going to add to that situation.” She turned and ran to another stall to relieve herself. I peeked into the first stall. I’m not sure what crawled in there to die, but I knew I couldn’t stomach that situation either. Two friends chatted back and forth between another set of stalls when I heard one say, “You know, it’s really hard to fart with a thong on.” I literally lol-ed and then realized she was definitely right.
Another popular place to overhear drunk conversation, especially during the summertime, is a pool party. My complex has some ragers during the summer and with young professionals running rampant, expect nothing other than good ol’ frat-style drinking complete with blow-up beach balls and trash-can beer pong.
I was a few beers in, about to pass out in the sun at our last party, when I overheard one of the mostly manly of men in the complex say, “Gotta love Rainbow flip flops. You can’t beat that warranty!” Taken aback that those words came from anyone’s mouth, I had to do a double-take when I confirmed it was actually the pro-wrestler-dopplegänger I had seen so often.
Our pool parties are also where I’ve met most of my neighbors in the complex who are beyond amused when they are more tan than I am, despite the fact I’m black. *Side eye* While comparing my arm to one of my friends I said, “Gah what a beautiful tan!” He looked back at me and said, “Thanks, just don’t ask me when I’m older. I’ll probably look like last year’s Prada bag!”
The next time you’re out, take a few minutes to just listen to the convos that are going on around you. You might be shocked to learn how hilarious the girl or guy in the next stall is. Make sure you share your funny stories with me and you could see them appear in the next Drunk Gab article.