Recently, one of my best friends was in town to celebrate a mutual friend’s engagement. Want to know another reason why post-college life sucks? All of your girls are now getting married and having kids. Not that I’m ready for any of that. But I’m still reminded of something else I haven’t checked off my list — like keeping flowers alive for more than three days. You know, adult things.

After spending an hour forcing down only two cider ales — I was hungover from the night before — the rest of our more intoxicated group decided we should walk what felt like five blocks in Alaska to Dandelion Market.

I’ve been to this Uptown bar a handful of times. Once, I was even kicked out — not my fault though, as my best friend had decided to nap in the bathroom and apparently that’s unacceptable bar behavior. But this night, I was pretty sober.

Anyone you ask will tell you the downstairs area paints a completely different picture from upstairs. The bottom floor has a bar, lots of seating, and everyone is fairly mellow. Upstairs, on the other hand, is a whole different animal. Here, everyone is way too drunk to understand the concept of personal space. It’s nearly impossible to cross from one side to the other.

So you can only imagine how over it I was the moment I stepped foot upstairs. I managed to slip away from my friends to a corner, safe from the chaos. I noticed a guy watching me from a distance. Uninterested in small talk, I avoided looking in his general direction. If it were only that easy. It wasn’t long before the guy was standing right beside me. We exchanged names, and he began the back and forth of asking what I did for a living and what part of Charlotte I lived in, and so on.

Just when I had accepted he wasn’t going anywhere and decided to be cordial, he asked if I wanted to dance. I politely declined, as the last thing I wanted to do was dance with him amongst the madness. I couldn’t hear his response over the music, so I leaned in. Instead of repeating his statement louder, he grabbed my face and tried to stick his tongue in my mouth. WTF?

I pushed him away. “Oh, you leaned in,” he said, “so I figured why not?” Um, this was your conclusion after I turned you down for a dance? Luckily, my drunk friend resurfaced and without even knowing what happened, turned to the guy and said something along the lines of, “Dude, she’s just not that into you.”

And I immediately thought of that movie He’s Just Not That Into You. It occurred to me that I’ve witnessed someone be a victim of mixed signals almost every single night I’m partying. A guy grabs a girl’s arm in passing, “Hey ma, let me get your number,” and she keeps walking. Or maybe a guy tries to stick his tongue in a girl’s mouth because she leans in and she rejects him.

So, lady lovers, I came up with a few things to look for when trying to figure out whether or not a girl is interested.

• Body Language. If she is clearly trying to exit the conversation, trust me, it was over before it began. You probably noticed her say “hi” to someone across the room, like I did. And coincidentally, someone comes to the “rescue” in the middle of the conversation.

• Eye Contact. If she is barely looking at you whether you’re talking or not, don’t waste your time. She’s probably watching someone else, maybe even her significant other.

• Smile. Many of us are familiar with “resting bitch face,” or RBF, but if a girl is truly interested in you she will smile and/or laugh naturally when you have a conversation. If she maintains RBF, you might want to excuse yourself. Like, run.

• Touch. If she’s not flirtatiously touching you — think sly arm graze or some other subtle move — while she could just not be touchy-feely, she probably isn’t interested in you. More importantly, if she’s avoiding your touch completely, flinching even, she’s definitely not interested.

• Phone Number. This can be tricky because most girls (except me) don’t ask for a guy’s number, especially if they don’t know if he’s interested. I would argue that if she doesn’t ask for yours after you’ve asked for hers or says something along the lines of, “Text me so I can store your info,” she probably has no intentions of continuing the conversation.

The next time you’re trying to pick up a girl, take note of the above. Trust me, you’ll be saving everyone’s time. You’re welcome.