"I am seriously considering getting a boob job. I am even saving up for one."

I originally said that as material in my stand-up act ... but I wasn't joking. Don't judge me — I don't want new boobs so I can impress guys. I merely want them so I don't scare them. You see, when you take my bullet-proof-airbag-padded bra off, Victoria's real Secret is revealed: they can turn an A cup into a C cup with their bras. And as a result, men think I am a witch with the magic ability to make my tits disappear. I even took off my bra at the Comedy Zone to display my little magic trick.

I used to be completely against remodeling God's work and being au-naturale, but that was before I became a Panthers cheerleader and they made me lose 10 pounds. The first place it left was my boobs. And so went my natural handful-C cups.


That is so not fair — when women lose weight, the first place it goes is their boobs. When men do, not only does their penis not shrink, but it appears larger.

When I stopped cheering and started eating again, my boobs grew a cup size, but left stretch marks.

That's right, I have an A cup with stretch marks on them. You see why I want to get a boob job?

On another, somewhat related note, the check engine light in my BMW comes on just for looking at it funny. Don't be fooled by the label: A Beamer is like buying a shirt from Neiman Marcus — it's brand name, but it unravels in the wash just like a cheap shirt from Forever 21. Just because their parts cost more does not make it a better vehicle; it's just a lemon in nice clothing.

And while men's penises don't shrink, they also only have to worry about replacing car parts rather than parts of their bodies. We don't expect them to get a penis implant or a ball tuck.

So why do I feel so insecure to want a boob job to feel good naked?

Though my fancy lemon with a check engine light is much like my body, getting old and breaking down, unlike my car, my body still runs perfectly without the extra parts. But it is nice to know that they can just lift my hood and replace my insecurities ... physically.

I wish NAPA knew how to make body parts in addition to car parts. But I must commend their store employees: They didn't say anything perverted when I marched in there and requested "studs for my rear" ... axle.

As for my boobs, while I can't really rationalize spurgling on new parts because I had to buy car parts, I will be taking itty bitty tit tips. I certainly can't put them on layaway.

But seriously, what do you all think? Are boob jobs a bad idea?