No really, she's not into you

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You've read the book or seen the movie, He's Just Not Into You (or at least heard of it). But what about the guy version? Guys deserve a translator for the foreign language that is women to them.

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Just like I did the guy who thinks my Facebook is a Dear Abby website, I’m going to give you guys some more clues to help you determine whether she's into you, or not — so you can save your time, energy, and money.

1. If she applies no maintenance or make-up when she sees you, then she’s probably not that into you. Even the biggest tomboy will take a little more time on her hair and wardrobe when she knows she’s going to see a guy she likes. Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on is what we do with our friends or long-term live-in boyfriends.

2. If she gets mad at you for slapping her butt, then she’s probably not that into you. If she shoots down any sort of physical advances, you have been sequestered to friend zone limbo.

3. If she doesn’t text you back right away, if at all, then she’s probably not that into you. Girls usually have their phones attached to their hip — we are aware when it vibrates, and we’re communicative punctual beings. If all you get are untimely, close-ended texts, you’re not in the forefront of our minds, or phones.

4. If she always makes excuses as to why she can’t hang out, then she’s probably not that into you. “I have to work." “It’s a girls' night.” “I’m tired.” "I have to wash my hair." If a girl wants to see you, she will find the time. And will be more willing to work around your schedule, rather than only see you when it's convenient for her and she has nothing else to do.

5. If you’re not the center of her attention, then she’s probably not that into you. If you're out and she’s talking to Joe Schmo and Wendy Whatsherface more than you, you’re just another face in the crowd. If we like you, we would go so far as to fight for your attention.

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