Last week, I, being the good intern that I am, signed Brittney up for Match.com. Luckily, I still have a job. But still no boyfriend for my busy boss. As I browsed the Web trying to upload a love match for Brittney, this is what I found ...
The morning after my latest rendezvous with Match.com, I woke to a buzzing phone and a full inbox. Clearly Match.com wasn’t the only party pleased with Brittney’s revised profile. I spent the early part of my day sorting through e-mails with subject lines like: “You’re one of his favorites!” and “[insert screen name here] winked at you!” Winking?
These quick messages didn’t divulge much information; evidently the Match.com 250 character limit is also imposed in their e-mails, but they did invite Brittney to “wink” back. Is the Match.com “wink” the new Facebook “poke”?
On a side note, the creators of Match.com have gotta be former CIA members. The sheer amount of technological monitoring is scary.
Insert our first player in the Brittney Cason online dating campaign: “InvestorUptown93.” (Editor's Note: Screen names have been changed to protect the innocent ... and the not-so-innocent.) This screen name had viewed, e-mailed, winked, and labeled Brittney as one of his favorites. Alright guy, you’ve got my attention — time to do a little Match.com stalking myself. My first thoughts after viewing his profile:
When did ‘The Situation’ move to Charlotte?
This gel-head is an investor? I’m not totally sure I’m buying it. Is he donning his Ed Hardy tees to the office?
OK, I need to take a step back. This is for Brittney. This is for Brittney. This is for Brittney … To find a match for Brittney, one must think like Brittney.
So, let’s see what “InvestorUptown93” has to offer.
This sightseeing, social-drinking Aries lives one active life — working out three to four times a week. He enjoys volunteering and traveling. So far so good.
But I can’t help but notice the differences in his two photos: one, bar-side in a skin-tight shirt with hair sharp enough to provoke injury; the other, sitting by the beach in khakis and dress shirt.
Who are you,” InvestorUptown 93?”
The explanation lies within the profile. As it happens, this guy believes in living a multi-dimensional identity. Hold on Superman, should I be wary of phone booths? Strike 1. Also, one of his “fav” past-times is soaking up some sun on the beach. Do you like taking long walks on the beach, too? OK InvestorUptown93, what do you do when you’re not tanning or making trips to the gym? Let me guess, laundry?
And moving on … Next!
To be continued …
— Jordan Bullington