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Zombie sex: A query in the spirit of the season



A question in the spirit of the season: Can zombie sex ever be consensual? Because I think if confronted with a zombified Zac Efron, I might go for it if he were properly restrained. Can you teach a zombie a safe word? Does it count if it's "braaaains"? It's not necrophilia with the WALKING dead, is it? What would you say is the sexual morality of this situation?

Hope In Zombie Zac If Ethical

If you'd seen Zombieland, HIZZIE, you'd know that a hot person, once transformed into a zombie, isn't hot anymore. A pretty girl is bitten by a zombie, falls asleep in the arms of Zombieland's nebbishy hero, and awakes as a thoroughly hideous flesh-eating monster. Even a zombified Zac Efron -- I'm going to resist making the obvious joke here -- would be too repulsive to fuck. Think of the gore, the viscera; think of the Axe body spray.

As for the morality of the situation, fucking zombies -- the walking dead -- is necrophilia, technically speaking, but practically speaking, it comes closer to bestiality. A human being who has been zombified is nothing but an animal, hungry for brains, incapable of thought much less consent. We can kill animals for their flesh, but we mustn't fuck them, HIZZIE; and we can kill zombies for wanting our flesh, but likewise we mustn't fuck them.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last five years, and we moved in together this past year. Our sex life is not too active and it's an issue we've discussed numerous times. This has caused my self-esteem to plummet. And this aspect of our problem has made me very resentful: We're very into D/s play and discovered our kinky interests early on. In fact, any time I bend him over and spank him or add a bit of bondage, our sex life picks right up again. I resent the fact that this is the only way I can get him interested. Is it possible that he's only interested in kinky sex? Does it mean that good old-fashioned vanilla is out of the question?

I enjoy kink just as much as he does and sometimes more, but every once in a while I just want to be fucked. He's actually had difficulty staying hard before if we're "just" having missionary.

He Only Likes It Kinky

You have leverage here, HOLIK, use it.

The next time you wanna get fucked good and vanilla, HOLIK, whisper in the boyfriend's ear that you are so gonna tie him up and beat his ass ... tomorrow night. Then tell him if he wants that -- and tell him that you know he wants it because he's a dirty little pervert -- he's going to have to fuck you right now, and fuck you hard, and fuck you the way you wanna be fucked. Then once he's fucking you, HOLIK, whisper something vaguely threatening in his ear once in a while -- something about the beating he's earning with his good vanilla behavior -- and he won't have any trouble staying hard.

Met a super-hot boy -- straight! -- at a bar. Nice, familiar with my work (I'm an artist), thinks I'm all great. Talked, kissed. Exchanged numbers. Made plans. For a date. Dinner. He tells me he's married but in an "open relationship." What do I do? Do open relationships really exist?

She Lusts Until Truth

Yes, SLUT, open relationships exist. But the only person who can confirm that this boy -- straight! -- is actually in one, SLUT, is his wife. Ask her. Before you kiss that boy some more. Or go. On. That. Date.

I came up with an amazing word years ago, and I have been trying like hell to get it into the dictionary: procrasturbation. It means "to waste time by pleasuring yourself." I wrote Merriam-Webster back in 2004 -- here is the response I got: "Your coinage is clever, but I'm afraid that cleverness is not the criterion on which a word is entered into our dictionaries ... For 'procrasturbate' to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we've collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our dictionary."

I was wondering if you could help me out by using "procrasturbate" in your column.

Organically Enters Dictionary

"Procrasturbate" is genius, OED, but appearing in my column isn't going to get it into the dictionary. "Santorum" has appeared in this space and other well-read print sources for years now, and it hasn't seeped into Merriam-Webster's yet. I call shenanigans.

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