THE 10 WORST (In Alphabetical Order)
1. ALONE IN THE DARK (2005). Most bad movies possess occasional lulls in their ineptness, brief moments salvaged by, say, a clever line of dialogue or an interesting character insight. This amateurish horror yarn defies that assumption, stumbling from one astonishingly awful sequence to the next until the viewer's head feels like it will explode Scanners-style. Tara Reid portrays a brainy anthropologist, the most mind-boggling bit of miscasting since a Bond flick offered Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.
2. BAD BOYS II (2003). Considering how many franchise follow-ups turn out dreadful, it's really saying a lot that this Jerry Bruckheimer production emerges as the worst sequel of the decade, besting even the grotesque likes of Rush Hour 3 and Bruckheimer's own Transformers second chapter from this past summer. This mercenary motion picture displays nothing but contempt for everyone and everything -- for its audience, for its characters, even for the medium itself.
3. BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000). The biggest film joke of the 2000s, this one makes its competition for that title (including Catwoman and Gigli) seem as accomplished as The Queen by comparison. In fact, this John Travolta mega-bomb is so unspeakably abysmal that all the scribes who compared it to Plan 9 from Outer Space weren't just grandstanding.
4. THE CAT IN THE HAT (2003). It's hard to imagine a more crass and clueless adaptation of a Dr. Seuss story; even Green Eggs and Ham remodeled as a shrill Robin Williams vehicle would hold more promise. Incidentally, unless one counts Spencer Breslin (and I don't), Mike Myers is the only star to land two titles on this list (see final film below). Congrats!
5. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS (2004). The worst holiday film ever made is this fascistic Christmas flick that hypocritically refuses to mention Jesus or any other aspect of Christianity (celebrating the holiday's commercialism instead) and that makes "heroes" out of obnoxious, intrusive suburbanites who insist that the Kranks (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis) conform to their narrow-minded way of thinking ... or else.
6. DISNEY'S THE KID (2000). Bruce Willis makes just enough good movies to allow folks to overlook the countless turkeys on his resume. Adding to such disasters as Breakfast of Champions and The Whole Ten Yards is this insufferable family film that pairs him with the most obnoxious child actor (Spencer Breslin) of the decade.
7. 15 MINUTES (2001). Back in the 1970s, could anyone have predicted that Robert De Niro would turn into a movie whore, taking any part offered just for the sake of an extra paycheck? This time, the overexposed actor finds himself in a rancid thriller that purports to have insight into topical issues like media manipulation and rampant violence but is really nothing more than a sensationalistic glorification of gory excess.
8. FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001). During his 15 -- make that 10 -- minutes of fame, Tom Green wrote, directed and starred in this unwatchable comedy in which, among other things, he masturbates a horse and chews through a newborn's umbilical cord -- and those are the more tolerable scenes!
9. LICENSE TO WED (2007). Robin Williams (in full-on creepy mode) plays a sadistic reverend with a penchant for rancid wisecracks. This anything-for-a-buck actor has made so many one-star comedies that it's impossible to keep count at this point, but rest assured that there's a multiplex in hell that screens them on a perpetual loop.
10. THE LOVE GURU (2008). Mike Myers' Guru Pitka discusses "monkey mustard," Ben Kingsley's Guru Tugginmypudha makes his pupils fight with urine-saturated mops, and Justin Timberlake plays an enormously endowed athlete nicknamed Le Coq. Oh, yes, and elephants copulate. Viewers who sit through this will feel like they've been violated by an elephant.