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Woman needs both confidence and a confidant



I'm a woman who wants to be spanked. But I'm overweight and self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women. Sometimes I'll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out.

Most recently, I've been talking to a trucker who stops at rest stops along his routes around the country and meets with/spanks women. He is patient and encouraging, and has references, and has directed me to boards with all this safety information, and insisted on getting to know each other via e-mail and phone conversations before we actually meet. This makes me trust him and feel better when I think about going to meet him.

But I still feel like it's a very bad idea. Nobody knows I have a fetish for this stuff, so I can't tell anyone where I'll be going, and I feel like going to meet a stranger on a highway so he can beat me is a very stupid thing to do. Plus, if he kills me, everybody will scream, "Well, what did you think would happen!" at my fat dead body.

What do you think?

She Wants A Tanning

I think meeting strange men in rest stops is a bad idea generally, SWAT, and meeting strange men in rest stops for a beating seems like a particularly bad idea. There are probably lots of decent and kind truckers out there, some of them kinky, and they have just as much right to pursue their sexual interests as anyone else. (And I'm going to be hearing from them after this column appears.) But you are not the right person for a kinky rest-stop hookup with a near-stranger.

This has nothing to do with your size, SWAT, and everything to do with your self-esteem issues and your isolation. I'm not saying this particular trucker is a crazed serial killer or an abuser. But serial killers and abusers seek out women who are isolated and have self-esteem issues, vulnerable women they can manipulate and exploit. Until you can approach someone with some confidence and with at least one confidant, you shouldn't be making dates to see anyone.

Repeat after me: "Some men like big women. Some men like spanking women. Some men like spanking big women." For those men, your big ass is an asset, SWAT. Also: "I can't meet someone for a kinky hookup -- in a rest stop or a hotel room or someone's apartment -- unless someone knows where I'm going, who I'm with, and when I'm expected home."

I am a heterosexual male in my 20s, and I need some help putting a label on my kink/fetish. I usually don't care much for labels in any aspect of life, but I'm hoping that knowing what to call this may help me find others who share the same interest: I love it when a woman watches me masturbate. She doesn't have to touch me at all, take off her own clothes, or play with herself. However, she has to enjoy watching me for me to enjoy performing. I have no interest in "flashing" or otherwise imposing myself on someone who doesn't want to watch. Also, I don't want to show just anyone; I just enjoy being watched by a woman.

I've seen some CFNM porn, but that often seems to be more about humiliation, which I'm not interested in at all.

Wanting A Named Kink

If you're looking for a label, WANK, what's wrong with "exhibitionist"? It's a fine, serviceable term, and an honorable sexual pursuit -- provided, of course, that you exhibit yourself exclusively to women who wish to take in your exhibition. A flasher may be the first thing that pops to mind when people hear the term "exhibitionist," but while all flashers are exhibitionists, it doesn't follow that all exhibitionists are flashers. Perhaps you could start a movement to reclaim "exhibitionism" from the creeps?

As for CFNM ("clothed female, naked male") porn, most of it features strong subtexts (or domtexts) of humiliation, but that's unavoidable. CFNM upends all the usual gender power dynamics: The man is naked and vulnerable and subject to the woman's gaze; the woman is clothed and in control and assessing the man. Perhaps the role that dom/sub dynamics play in your turn-on is so subtle that you honestly believe humiliation has nothing to do with it. But it's in there.

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