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Win When Situation

It's the Brave New War board game!

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Since the George Bush "Elite Force Aviator" action figure is selling so well, I've come up with my own way to cash in on the "toys of war" fad. Welcome to The Brave New War War Against Terror Play At Home Board Game(r)! It's loosely based on Monopoly, which I figure is fairly appropriate given this administration's underlying economic philosophy.

The game is played without other players since they don't know nothin' "bout birthin' no free democracies. Roll the dice and move your game piece around the board. Your token can be a Humvee, a cruise missile, or a Texas-sized W. There's also a car token, but I'd avoid that one since it has a nasty habit of exploding in front of embassies and abortion clinics.

Every time you pass Go, instead of collecting $200, you have to pay Halliburton $4 billion, $1.5 billion of which needs to be in non-consecutively numbered $20 bills, stuffed in unmarked manila envelopes, and left behind the water heater in the Old Executive Office Building.

As you move your token around the board, you're given the opportunity to buy things without competitive bid from Halliburton. In fact, you pretty much have to buy them or the terrorists automatically win. There's the Patchwork Power Grid, Water No Works, and the two prime properties, Baghdad and Afghanistan Place. You can also build a pipeline on Petrol Avenue, or take a ride on the B&O (bin Laden and Osama) Railroad, if you can find it.

There are some fun action squares as well. For instance, Income Tax Cut somehow stimulates game play but only for those with over $1 million. If you land on the Go to Guantanamo Bay square, go directly to Guantanamo Bay, surrender all constitutional rights, and fork over $87 billion. Land on a Code Orange square and do what the card says: "God mentions your name to John Ashcroft, lose your Constitutional rights," "Diebold wins electronic voting machine contract --automatic re-election," "Big Brother Loves You. Lose a turn to think about that, you Liberal wanker," or "Join the National Guard. Go to foreign lands. Meet exotic people. Kill them."

There is no clearly defined way to actually win the game; your goal is simply to keep the faceless terrorists from winning. Oh, and watch out for the Rose Petal Lined Streets square. It's somewhat of a quagmire.

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