SATIRE ALERT! To quote the great Sen. John Kyl, the following is "not meant to be a factual statement." To non-clueless readers, we apologize for having to include this disclaimer. Now, on to the news.
It was a proud moment last week when the GOP-controlled state General Assembly slapped down those posers in Alabama and Arizona. Don't know if you heard about it, but the new law on illegal immigration passed by both houses last week was a much tougher bill than GOP leaders had originally planned. What happened is that they heard the news from Alabama, which recently became the state with the toughest immigration laws. Under the new Alabama legislation, schools will be required to find out whether students are in the country lawfully, and it will be a crime to knowingly give an illegal immigrant a ride.
"Hell, that ain't gonna do," said state Senate Majority Leader Skip Stam to his best bud, House Speaker Thom "Recovering PTA leader" Tillis. The paleolithic pair soon agreed it would be a disaster for Alabama to get "all the glory" for passing a law that's even tougher than Arizona's famous "show us your papers" statute.
An associate of Tillis who wished to remain anonymous told us, "Thom and Skip don't want North Carolina to be left behind in the 'Most Hateful State Legislature' pageant, coming up during the Fourth of July weekend." The two lawmakers decided to hurriedly draft a new N.C. anti-illegal immigration law that would top Alabama's; naturally, they first contacted Mecklenburg County Commissioner (and former federal illegal immigrant rounder-upper) Jim Pendergraph and U.S. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-Mr.Coffee) for suggestions. After writing the bill, Stam and Tillis allowed intensive discussions of nearly 10 minutes in the state legislature, after which the lawmakers slapped their rubber stamp on the new law. It's an unprecedented law that should go a long way toward eliminating the grave threat of inexpensive lawn care givers and experienced peach pickers. Here is a list of the new law's requirements and restrictions.
• Like Arizona and Alabama, all documented immigrants have to keep their papers on them at all times, and police will be able to ask them to produce those papers upon request. Tillis is rumored to have nixed Stam's idea for mandatory Tasering of immigrants found to be without proper papers.
• Like Alabama, N.C. schools will be required to find out whether students are in the country lawfully. As an added "Carolina bonus," teachers will be required to spank any students who are here illegally, from pre-K, up to and including middle schools.
• Also like Alabama, anyone in the state can be prosecuted for giving an illegal immigrant a ride, including rides to hospital emergency rooms.
In addition, Tillis & Co. added the following measures:
• It is prohibited to give illegal immigrants taxi fare, or money for a bus or light rail ride. And plane fare? Unless the plane's headed out of the U.S., fuhgeddaboutit.
• Anyone selling North Carolina pork barbecue, Cheerwine, Krispy Kreme donuts, or cigarettes produced in N.C. to a Hispanic person must first check the customer's immigration status.
• Anyone, at any time, may ask a Hispanic person to prove he or she is in the country legally. If that Hispanic person cannot produce such evidence, the askers can make the illegal immigrant cut their grass for free.
It is also now a crime to:
• Knowingly shake hands with, high-five, or give the thumbs-up sign to an illegal immigrant.
• Knowingly tweet an illegal immigrant.
• Knowingly use the term "Futbol" for soccer.
• Knowingly order "green salsa" in a Mexican restaurant if one is non-Hispanic.
• Knowingly speak Spanish to your children.
• And knowingly offer to have sex with an illegal immigrant on state property.
"We think this is a great, great law," Tillis said at the end of the legislative session, "and frankly, we're thrilled that we now have a leg up in the 'Hateful Legislature' pageant. We're all keeping our fingers crossed."