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Wal-Mart To Govern Iraq

Al-Qaeda "just another union to crush"

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Topping the list of unanswered questions in Iraq is "Who will be taking over next month?" (Here's a hint, it won't be Ahmed Chalabi.) Dubya has been emphatic that a "transfer of limited sovereignty" will take place on June 30, but the administration has been less than clear about exactly what that means.

The bloody, violent reality of post-incursion Iraq has left very few people still deluded enough to think that a flourishing phoenix of democracy will miraculously rise from the shifting sands of what John Stewart has dubbed Mess-o-potamia. The Bush team has finally decided to seek help, but unfortunately, we've pissed off every country in the world with our arrogant Shrubya Knows Best attitude; we can't turn to the UN or former international allies. Fortunately, Bush still does have one group that he hasn't alienated -- mega-corporations bent on world domination. That being the case, there appear to still be three options remaining: turn control of Iraq over to Microsoft, Starbucks, or Wal-Mart.

We can eliminate Microsoft right off the bat. Given their poor security record, a Microsoft-run Iraq would be infected with a virus within a week.

Starbucks also has an immediate downside. With all the existing tensions between Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds (oh my), hyper-caffeinating them is just asking for more trouble. This leaves Wal-mart.

A Wal-mart-run Iraq isn't as crazy as it may first appear. Remember, the world's largest retailer was founded in Bentonville, Arkansas, so they're experienced working in undeveloped countries. The goal of putting a Wal-mart Super Center (affectionately known as a Wally-World) on every street corner has begun to meet some resistance at home in the US, but Iraq doesn't know any better yet. The only question is whether each Iraqi ethnic group should get their own Super Center or is it better to turn the whole country into one Super Mega Ali World. There's also a benefit to this in the War On Terrorism. After all, who's going to become a suicide bomber when they get a yellow smiley sticker every morning? If you're missing a smile, a retired cleric will give you one of his. Besides, to Wal-Mart, al-Qaeda is just another union to crush. And with Wal-mart's commitment to everyday low prices, cheap oil should be right around the corner.

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