* The Hornets situation keeps dragging on. Trailer Boy Wooldridge announced that the team had met all the NBA's requirements to be allowed to move to New Orleans, but the league decided that, considering the owners' and the city's reputation, they want to audit ticket sales and corporate contracts. Meanwhile, the team is playing well and headed to the playoffs. Hornets guard David Wesley let it be known that if Charlotteans don't get "more down about us not staying here [it's] going to be the biggest mistake Charlotte's made." Charlotteans, informed of Wesley's prediction, suddenly saw the light and realized that the city's future depends on huge giveaways to the sleazebag goober owners of a team in a pro sport with a dwindling fan base. The next day, citizens mobbed city hall, demanding that City Council transfer the city's 2002 tax revenues to Lemonhead Shinn's Florida bank account. This item was brought to you by the Daytona Red Man Chewing Tobacco Savings & Loan.
* Charlotte resident Said Mahamad Harb pled guilty to giving money he had obtained from cigarette smuggling to the Hezbollah organization in Lebanon. Upon hearing the news, Mayor Fratboy began vibrating and yelled, "I knew it! I knew it! We do have terrorists in Charlotte -- tell me we're not world class now, by God." He then banned parking anywhere within a mile of the Government Center. The previous news story comes from the fine folks at Ibn Mahmud's Army/Navy Store, the discount source for all your security needs.
* It's time for School News, sponsored by USAirways -- "There's no way we suck as bad as you've heard": Charlotte Mecklenburg School Superintendent Eric Smith was in Portland, Oregon for the longest job interview in history. Sources in Portland said Smith is the obvious favorite for the superintendent job there, making it likely that he'll will hit the road before most Charlotteans know whether their kids' private school applications have been accepted.
* Franklin Graham was in town last week, saying Daddy Billy hadn't been talking to Nixon about Jews per se, but about the media elite (if we have to tell you what we're referring to, just go to the next item, we don't have time to explain). Anyhow, our man Franklin is dead wrong. Rev. Billy specifically referred to the Jewish "stranglehold" on media, and even said that his Jewish acquaintances "don't know how I really feel." The last thing this city needs is another lying preacher. The previous news item paid for by a grant from the Bring Back Jim & Tammy Bakker Fund.
* Peter Buck, guitarist for R.E.M., was acquitted of being a pampered idiot despite witnesses who saw him during a flight when he downed 15 glasses of wine, harassed flight attendants, mistook a beverage cart for a CD player, and tried to open the door of the airplane so he could "go home." At the trial in England, U2 singer Bono, among others, testified to Buck's good character. The acquittal came after three hours of Bono emoting about the miserable plight of everyone on earth besides himself. Jury members, their ears bleeding, screamed, "OK, OK, we'll let the drunk go, just shut up for the love of God!" This item is sponsored by Ecstasy Busters, your neighborhood homicidal bouncer service.