I read with interest the letter from the guy who hacked his ex-girlfriend's e-mail and discovered that she had been cheating on him (CL, April 7). I am in a similar situation, if a little more messed-up. I am a single, thirtysomething female who has been having a long-term affair with a married man. We have one rule: We tell one another if and when we fool around with other people. About a year ago, I discovered another affair he was involved in while he was out of the country, which he failed to disclose to me. I discovered it because he left his e-mail unattended. He was not apologetic, and I ended up being the one who begged for forgiveness for invading his privacy. He did, however, promise to end his relationship with the woman overseas. I recently discovered that he has struck up a fresh correspondence with this same woman. I gained this knowledge by invading his privacy again -- this time by outright hacking his e-mail -- but he also betrayed me, and he needs to be held accountable.
You are probably wondering why I am not just cutting this guy out of my life. We have amazing sex and enjoy the same kinks. It is difficult to find someone trustworthy to engage in these activities with. But how can I trust anything he says anymore? I really want to call him on this. He broke our rules. Do you think I am out of line in confronting him?
Mistress Is Pissed
According to the "Mistress, whining about being cheated on" listing in the Association of American Advice Columnists' Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Staggeringly Self-Serving Bullshit, I'm supposed to slap the shit out of you, MIP. The DSM instructs me to respond to letters like yours with something like this: "Your lover is cheating on his wife with you, you dumb piece of shit, and you're shocked to learn that he's cheating on you, too?" That strikes me as a little harsh. So I'll go with this instead: You can't expect a guy to take your rules more seriously than he takes his vows.
As for confronting him: The last time you confronted him about another other-woman, MIP, you wound up begging for his forgiveness. So let's skip the confrontation and accept reality: Unless you're willing to walk away from the amazing sex, unless you're willing to dump the motherfucker, he's going to go on cheating on you and lying to you about it, rules or no rules. He won't disclose when he's messing around with other other-women, MIP, because it's not just the sex that turns him on. Sneaking around, getting away with it, deceiving you and his wife and his other other-women -- all of that gives him a feeling of power and control. Accept it or get out.
I read the letter from the woman who had cheated on her ex and now wants to patch it up. I have a similar situation, except it was my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me. We'd been living together for a few years -- we were engaged -- and then she suddenly moved out "temporarily" to "work out some issues," then dumped me several weeks later for trumped-up reasons.
So I went into her e-mail to find out WTF had happened and learned about the paramour, when she actually started fucking him, and so on. Even though she was a lying, cheating whore in any objective sense, I do feel bad about violating her privacy. Well, she was furious and basically hates my guts now, more than a year later. I reached out once around six months ago via e-mail, but got shot down. I just want to forgive and be forgiven.
Can't Think Of Anything Clever
You are a huge pussy, CTOAC -- excuse me, sorry. Pussies are powerful; they can take pummeling and spit out a brand-new human being. What you are, CTOAC, is weak, vulnerable, easily manipulated, and far too sensitive for your own good.
What you are is a ball sack.
Stop asking for your ex-girlfriend's absolution, sacky, stop begging for her forgiveness. So long as you're crawling to her, begging for forgiveness, she can go on pretending that she was the injured party. Forgive you? There's no reason for her to do that -- there's no upside for her. So long as you're standing there wringing your hands and acting like a cringing, wounded pussy -- excuse me: a dangling, freshly slapped ball sack -- she wins. Move the fuck on already, sacky.