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The young and the restless



I have a dilemma. Even though I was born in 1972, people always assume that I'm in my mid-20s. I tend to attract girls in their early 20s, and when they ask how old I am, I counter with "How old do you think I am?" They invariably guess an age that I haven't seen in more than a decade. When I tell these 21- to 23-year-olds the truth, it's a complete turnoff. Just last night I had to endure -- that's endure, not Ensure -- my third brush-off at the hands of a hot 21-year-old girl in a row!

So what's an apparent senior citizen like myself to do? Do I just wait hopelessly for the dreaded question to come up? Do I blurt out "I'm old" as soon as a woman walks up to me? Do I take measures to try to look my age?

You're probably wondering why I don't just go for women closer to my own age. Here's why: Women my own age tell me that they're looking for serious relationships and I look way too young for that and they worry that my looks mean I'm a total player!

You're Only Using Numbers, Girls

First, YOUNG, maybe your problem is the lousy puns. Endure/Ensure? That would earn you a brush-off from me.

But if older women aren't interested because you look too young, and younger women aren't interested because you are too old -- if you're actually being discriminated against based on your age/looks -- then you have a license to lie to women, young and old.

Let younger women think you're in your 20s until they get to know you better. Then disclose and apologize for the deceit without being too abject about it. You had cause. As for women closer to your own age, well, instead of telling them you're very nearly 40, YOUNG, let 'em think you're a 20-something with a thing for older women. Then if a puma -- or panther or cougar or otter or whatever -- decides to dump you because she's getting too attached and the (presumed) age difference is simply too great, bust out your birth certificate, apologize, and propose.

I have recently started dating a sexually adventurous man. He is the first person to successfully fist me, and it's fantastic. When I orgasm, both during the fisting and after the fisting while he fingers me, I squirt. Lots. Afterward, the sheets are soaked and I'm in a puddle. We've put towels down, but the sheer volume of liquid soaks through them. Without towels, it soaks all the way through to the mattress. I'm not super-pleased about ruining my mattress, and the postcoital sleeping on very wet sheets is not ideal.

I don't really want to sleep on a plastic-wrapped mattress and change my sheets every time we have sex. Does anything exist that's super-absorbent that I could put down during sex, or even something that might go under the sheets to at least protect the bed?

Wasting Endless Towels

The bed is a nice place to sleep, a good place to read, and an obvious place to fuck. But you can have sex elsewhere, WET, and you can acquire just-for-fucking furniture/furnishings without going to hell with the vaginal-before-marriage crowd. Instead of attempting to fist-and-squirt-proof your bed -- which is impossible -- go to a sporting-goods store and pick up a large, folding wrestling mat. Store it under the bed, WET, and when your sexy time involves fisting -- and hopefully you're not fisting every time you have sex -- GET OUT OF BED, pull the mat out, throw some towels down, and fist and squirt to your heart's content. Then when you're all over -- the towels, the mat, the floor -- you'll be able to crawl back into your warm, dry, comfortable bed.

CONGRATS: Two years ago, an openly gay student at Hudson High School in upstate New York ran for prom queen. He won -- but school officials "denied him the crown." This year, two openly gay students -- best friends, both boys -- at Hudson High ran for prom king and queen and won "in a landslide." School officials didn't stand in their way, and Charlie Ferrusi and Timmy Howard got their crowns. Congrats to 2008's rightful prom queen, Augie Abatecola; congrats to this year's prom queen and king; congrats to the school officials who learned their lesson; and congrats to all the students at Hudson High.

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