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The W Beatitudes

Blasted are the meek, the truthful, the peacemakers

"Blasted are they who mourn, especially if they live in some Third World country whose oil the self-anointed covet, for they shall have more to mourn about."
-- The Bible, King George II Standard Neoconservative Version

Mel Gibson should really make a prequel to The Passion, the heavenly film that elevated pornographic violence to theology. Mel's handiwork did so much for the Christian (a loose application of that word) right that a film employing the same creative license (aka "making things up," as in, do you recall any scripture saying the Roman soldiers heave-ho'd Jesus over a bridge?) could really get this Christianity thing in tune with our nation's imperial policies.

After all, either you're with us or against us, and that goes for the Lord as well as everyone else.

For Mel's prequel, I suggest a change in stars. I mean, James Caviezel is just too depressing, and besides, I can never remember how to spell his name. Who would I pick? There's only one choice: John Cleese, who, along with fellow Pythons, once made a film about a fellow named Brian that came much closer to the spirit of Christ's message than The Passion.

A new scriptwriting team -- how "bout Karl Rove, Jerry Falwell and Charlotte's own Franklin Graham? -- can update biblical translations so that we can all be fundamentalists and no longer have to worry about those inconvenient parts of holy writ that might be interpreted as implying that Christ preached peace, tolerance, brotherly love and the evil of greed.

I can see the opening scene, where Jesus is strolling about healing the sick. We'll make it clear that lepers are about the same as AIDS victims, and probably got the icky disease from homosexual sex. (No, no, no, don't worry about that silly thing called science. In our Bushized world, science says what we want. After all, scientists, too, are either with us or against us.)

So, here's the scene:

Blind Man: Oh, help me Lord. If I can just touch the hem of your garment, I know I will see again.

The Lord: Ah, Peter, do you think you can keep this fellow's grubby fingers off my robes? They're Dior, you know.

Peter: Sorry, Master.

The Lord: And, Peter, have you checked to see if this lout can afford healing?

Peter: He's a beggar, Master.

The Lord: Well, that is a little dicey. (To Blind Man.) My good sir, clearly your blindness is the result of bad choices you have made ...

Blind Man: ... but I was born blind. ...

The Lord: (To Peter, sotto voce.) Shut him up! (To Blind Man.) ... and if poor people get the idea that they're somehow entitled to medical care and healthy lives, well, I think you can see the problems that would cause with Judea's competitiveness in Rome's globalized economy.

(Christ and his followers hurry on and encounter a leper/AIDS victim.)

Rotted Man: Heal me, dear God, heal me!

The Lord: Ech, the stench. You lucky fellow, today is your day. I have a new supply of patented miracles from the Holy Transnational Pharmaceutical Conglomerate Ltd. That will be a mere 50,000 shekels, which you can give to my banker over there. Judas, collect this gentleman's fees, please.

Rotted Man: Lord, I have no money. Besides, generic miracles will do the same job and cost almost nothing. So many lives will be saved ...

The Lord: Whine, whine, whine. It's all these people do. Thank God, er, thank Me, they die off quickly. (To Rotted Man.) Well, that's it then. Sorry I can't help you. But, as you know, it is gospel that I hear the prayers of pious corporate executives and fat-cat campaign contributors before all others. Verily, I say unto you, what is it to My Father that a million diseased men and women pass away if the pharmaceutical companies are thereby blessed?

Rotted Man: Say what?

"Blasted are the peacemakers, for they shall be mauled by the children of God."

-- The Bible, King George II Standard Neoconservative Version.

There is so much distasteful about the Republicans nowadays that true patriots have a hard time figuring out what to get mad about most. For me, it's religion. I'm infuriated that George Bush and his entourage of theocratic mullahs have kidnapped Christianity and God.

For a start, there's the Christian Coalition's bleating about "activist judges" -- while at the same time seeking to impose a religious/political test on judicial candidates to ensure they are radically activist. It is, of course, in the hypocritical world of the Christian Coalition, entirely sanctified to elect fanatical right-wing activist judges. Didn't Jesus say something about getting the log out of your own eye before criticizing others for the speck in theirs?

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