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The South Park Symphonettes

Thursday's "Ground Cover" Committee meeting

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Chairperson Bitsy Harrison: This meeting of the South Park Symphonettes will come to order, y'all. OK, let's start up, people. . .OK, thank you. Y'all know why we're here. The paper might've run a story and some letters about us ´n' everybody saving our spots at the Symphony Pops concerts and how awful we are and so forth, but we've got business to attend to. Vi, why don't you get started, um'kay?

Vi Carola: Sure. OK, gals, first, I assume we're still gonna save our same spots like we always do, we don't need to discuss that, do we?

All: No way, mumble, mutter.

Vi: All righty then, let's get down to business. Do we want to use tarps or blankets this week?

Cindy Myers: I move that we use blankets again.

Cha-Cha Templeton: I second that.

Vi: Even after somebody moved our blankets last Sunday?

Cha-Cha: Damn right — I can't believe somebody would be so rude as to move. . .

Vi: Yeah yeah, we've been over that a hundred times, Cha-Cha.

Cha-Cha: Oh, excu-u-u-se me, Miss Not the Chairperson.

Vi: Well, maybe if you'd weighted your blankets down like you're supposed to....

Cha-Cha: Oh, like yours didn't get moved, too.

Bitsy: Jesus Christ, settle down, y'all, and let's vote. Don't let those whiny losers at Symphony Park and in the paper get us at each other's throats.

Vi: OK, all in favor of blankets, say aye.

Several voices: AYE!

Vi: OK, that was easy. Next?

Janet Kessler: I move that we throw ice at that gross couple who parked their butts right in front of us.

Mandy Boshamer: Who?

Janet: You remember, that old man in the denim shorts?

Mandy: Oh yeah. God, you could tell they'd both bought their clothes at Target. Why'd they let him in, dressed like that? And did you see their food? Wendy's!

Cha-Cha: You are kidding! You let the middle class riffraff in and it's all downhill from there.

Bitsy: Can y'all please get on with it?

Vi: Ooh, somebody sounds a little tense. Is it desperate housewife time, Miz Chairman?

Bitsy: Just wait till it's your turn to be chairperson and see how far you get, Miss My Jaguar Is Almost 10 Years Old.

Janet: Oh forget it, I withdraw my motion.

Vi: Thank you, Janet. Now, are we gonna wear tops and shorts or cute one-piece outfits this week?

Cindy: I say tops and shorts — we wore one-piece outfits last week.

Cha-Cha: But I just got the cutest outfit at Talbot's!

Vi: Let's vote on it then. All in favor of tops and shorts, say aye.

Several voices: AYE.

Vi: Looks like the new outfit'll have to wait, Cha.

Cha-Cha: Oh, shoot.

Vi: OK, let's keep going. Just raise your hands on these. Do we want wine or Pellegrino. Wine? Pellegrino? Looks like wine wins again (laughs). Bitsy, you got anymore boxes of merlot?

Bitsy: I got a garage full, I'll bring a couple.

Vi: Great. Now, Dean & Deluca or Fresh Market? D&D? Fresh Market? All right — Dean & Deluca. I'll grab some goodies Sunday. Extra macaroons?

All: Woo-hoo!

Vi: One more thing: do we wanna bring cellphones or beepers?

Cindy: I've got to have a cell — you know, in case little Logan or Crystal need to call.

Mandy: God, you spent half the last concert on your cell, yelling at them.

Cindy: Well, Logan was peeing in the pool! What do want me to do?

Vi: Oh, and that made him quit peeing?

Bitsy: Just let 'em wait till you get home, Cin. You don't hear my Kendall and Cassidy calling me up while we're socializing, do you?

Cindy: Well, I'm bringing my cell, I don't care what anybody says.

Vi: OK, whatever. Now, Mandy, I think it's your turn to set up the blankets, right?

Mandy: You mean it's Michael's turn to set 'em up. (giggles)

Vi, giggling: Well, we have to keep the hubbies busy doing something, don't we?

Bitsy: I wish.

Vi: Huh?

Bitsy: Nothing, let's just get this over with.

Vi: You're right. So, Mandy, you'll get Michael to do the blankets?

Mandy: Yep, and I guarantee he won't let any complainers stop him. Not after what he did to all those extra employees they had at the bank.

Janet: It's like he told Bill - there's no rules when it comes to the seating at Summer Pops. No rules means it's dog eat dog, first come first served, survival of the quickest.

Mandy: Yeah, Michael loves it when there's no rules. He calls it "Caveman time"!

Vi: That's what we like to hear. Let's protect our spots, gals, and steamroll anybody that gets in the way.

All: Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Vi: Bitsy, is it OK if you pick us all up in the Hummer again?

Bitsy: You bet — this is war, y'all. Meeting dismissed.

john.grooms@cln.com

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