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5. Planet will run out of oil by the time your warranty's up.
6. Deserving target of eco-terrorists.
-- John Grooms
Famous Drug Users We Like:
1. Louis Armstrong
2. Jean Cocteau
3. Charles Baudelaire
4. Edie Sedgwick
5. Paul McCartney
6. Jack Kerouac
7. Billie Holiday
-- John Grooms
Famous Drug Users We Don't Like:
1. George W. Bush
2. Rush Limbaugh
3. Dan Quayle
4. Michael Keaton
-- John Grooms
10 Reasons To Be a Vegetarian:
1. Pork Rinds
2. Read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser
3. Liver (Webster definition: "The bile-secreting organ of an animal...")
4. Whole hog barbecue
5. Peanut Butter
6. Hog waste lagoons
7. Ted Nugent
8. Atkins Diet
9. 2,500 gallons of water required to produce 1 lb. of beef, 25 gallons required to produce 1 lb. of wheat.
10. Grow grain, feed critters, maintain critters, transport critters, butcher critters, eat critters (Gesundheit, OK, bend over, lift one leg, hop in place, whistle Dixie, wrap arm around neck, wipe nose)
-- Samir Shukla
Top 3 Celebrities Who Should Take a Hint From Ah-nuld and Run For Mayor:
1. Ric Flair
2. Muggsy Bogues (our Gary Coleman)
3. Robert Johnson (already runs the incumbent mayor)
-- Tim Davis
Top Neighbor Annoyances:
1. Neighbors who can't or won't get their friggin dogs to stop barking.
2. The guy who walks around with a leaf blower going full-tilt most of the weekend.
3. The neighborhood frat boys who put huge piles of trash on the curb several days before the scheduled pick-up.
4. Mr. Get A Life, who spends time letting you know how you should bag your lawn clippings -- and thinks it's important.
5. People who move out and then screw the neighbors by turning their house into a rental property.
6. Woman who places 20 birdfeeders (aka feline bait shops) in her yard and then sets traps for your cats when they show up for the birdie buffet.
7. Couple who park their car in their front yard.
8. Neighbors with enough Christmas decorations on and around their house to be seen from space.
-- John Grooms
Why South Carolinians Shouldn't Be Allowed To Drive In Charlotte:
1. Fact: If traffic anywhere in Charlotte is snarled because of a knot-head move by a motorist, at least three-fourths of the time that motorist is driving a car with South Carolina plates.
2. State specialty: Slowing to a crawl on a four-lane road in order to search for street numbers.
3. They hog the left lane even if everyone else is passing them on the right.
4. Oblivious to what their hayseed driving style does to urban traffic flow.
5. For some reason, they lose the ability to turn right on red when they cross the NC state line.
6. They're so used to following tractors it never occurs to them to pass slow cars in front of them.
7. You never know when you'll run into a car driven by one of Strom Thurmond's illegitimate kids and get into serious trouble.
8. T-o-o D-a-m-n-e-d S-l-o-w.
-- John Grooms
Most Eye-Catching Spam E-Mail Porno Subject Lines:
1. Holy Cow, These Girls Are Hot! Er, Wait, That Ain't A Girl...
2. Big Brown Bizooty
3. Old Enough To Pee, Old Enough For Me
4. Screw Your Wife Like a Spice Channel Boy
5. Sex Is Best With A Fatty-Assed Slut
6. Images So Beautiful Your Nuts Will Pop
7. A Bigger Jimmy Is The Ticket To Hot Women
8. Gangbanged By Big Black Sausages
9. Value Porn: The Best Bang For Your Buck
-- Lynn Farris
10 Actual George W. Bush Quotes:
1. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and child.
2. One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is "to be prepared."
3. The future will be better tomorrow.
4. We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.
5. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe.
6. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
7. I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.
8. First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill.
