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2. Posing a driving hazard to even Cadillac Escalades
1. For cheapening the term "hummer."
-- John Schacht
10 Most Traffic-Congested Intersections in Charlotte:
1. Fairview Road and Providence Rd.
2. Central Ave. and Eastway Dr.
3. Harris Blvd. and Tryon St.
4. Conference Dr. and Monroe Rd.
5. Albemarle Rd. and Independence Blvd.
6. Fairview Rd. and Park Rd.
7. Billy Graham Pkwy. and Tryon St.
8. Central Ave. and Sharon Amity Rd.
9. Harris Blvd. and Mallard Creek Rd.
10. Eastway Dr. and Frontenac Ave.
-- Tara Servatius
New "Looks" Lynn Wheeler Should Try Before Making A Political Comeback:
1. Senior Barbie
2. Princess Di
3. Missy Elliott
4. Punk
5. Old Hippie
6. Suburban hausfrau
7. Koko Taylor
-- John Grooms
Rev. Philip "Flip" Benham's Daily To-do List:
(Benham is a fundamentalist anti-abortion zealot and director of Operation Save America, located in Concord).
6am: Rise and shine. Have lots of hate mongering and protesting to do.
7am: Breakfast: one boiled egg, prune juice and toast -- no butter (obviously a tool of the devil.)
8am: Scour newspaper in search of something to be offended by -- literary clubs, PG-13 movies, bra ads, etc.
10am: Update website www.burninhell.com
12noon: Lunch w/Jesus.
1pm: Flip through secret stash of Teen Beat magazines.
2pm: Attend micro-phallus support group.
4pm: Practice penmanship -- write "God hates fags" and "Muslims suck" 100 times each.
5pm: Buy gross of throat lozenges -- plan to do a lot of street-corner yelling this weekend.
6pm: Dinner. Scream at all the uppity newswomen on TV who should be at home having babies.
11pm: Pray for the strength to hate another day.
11:30pm: Dream of berating scared, young pregnant women.
--Sam Boykin
The List List:
"A" List
Angie's List
Cast List
Checklist
Christmas List
Do Not Call List
Enemies List
Gift List
Grocery List
Guest List
Hit List
Inventory List
Laundry List
Most Wanted List
Order List
Play List
Prayer List
Price List
Santa's List
Schindler's List
Shit List
Shopping List
Short List
To-Do List
Wine List
--Linda Vespa
Stupidest Voice Mails of the Past Year:
1. Yeah, I just want to tell you what a stupid paper you have. I mean, boy, it's really dumb. I remember when it used to be pretty decent but now you've got smoking babies on the cover and you promote the gay crap.
2. If you fuckers are so smart, then why don't you support the President like any real American is supposed to do? I guess you like the idea of a bunch of ragheads blowing up everything and taking over America. I dare you to debate me in a public forum -- I know you won't do it, because you're nothing but liberal pussies. I dare you to call me back. [Caller didn't leave phone number]
3. Hi, Mr. Grooms, this is [name withheld] from [a Washington, DC, advocacy group]. I'm following up on a fax we sent you yesterday regarding an upcoming event [pause] . . . shit, where's that paper? Fuck. Excuse me. [Hangs up].
4. Hey, you know that article y'all ran about window cleaning? It was all right, but you shoulda put the best thing for cleaning windows in there. My wife and I? When we clean our windows? We just put some vinegar in warm water and use that and you never seen such clean windows in your life. And it don't streak, neither. Let everybody know about that the next time you run that type of article. [We have never published anything about window cleaning.]
-- John Grooms
Best Things About SUVs:
1. Some are long enough that if you look in the rearview mirror, the curvature of the earth is visible before you reach the back seat.
2. Make bankers feel like Crocodile Hunter.
3. Increase small women's confidence level.
4. You're really high up but it's not as expensive as glider lessons.
5. The truck frame it's built on and the mediocre suspension give you a good workout.
6. Easy target for eco-terrorists.
-- John Grooms
Worst Things About SUVs:
1. You can't see around them when you're trying to back out of a parking space.
2. You can't see around them when you're wondering why traffic has slowed to a crawl.
3. You can't see around the damn things, period.
4. Need mountain climbing equipment to get in.
