Page 2 of 6
9. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: The Fab 5 Arrive in Charlotte to makeover Observer editor Frank Barrows but decide it's hopeless and head back to California.
--Sam Boykin
Top 5 Reality Shows I'd Like to See:
1.To Tell the Truth: In which politicians are lowered into a pit of flesh-eating bacteria until they tell the truth (a show with no losers).
2. Cliche Survivors: In which professional athletes are forced to give 110 percent with their backs to the wall one game at a time no tomorrow and conduct interviews without using a single cliche -- extra points for complete sentences.
3. No Class at All: In which members of fraternities and sororities are forced to attend class, pay attention, take notes and get an A before a drop of liquor passes through their lips.
4. Queer Guys With No Style: In which a group of gay men are forced to wear Haggar slacks (with pleats), Payless shoes, VanHeusen shirts and off-the-rack suits, shop at WalMart, eat at Olive Garden and generally make do without anything cool whatsoever.
5. I Spend a Lot of Money Here: In which both blue-bloods and the nouveau riche spend a year working retail or food service jobs while members of the working class verbally abuse and mind-fuck them into breaking down -- resulting in another month tacked on to the end of the sentence.
-- John Schacht
Sexiest Vampires:
1. Frank Langella as Dracula (in the 1979 movie)
2. Spike (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel)
3. Lestat (from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles)
4. Louis (as played by Brad Pitt in the movie version of Interview with a Vampire)
5. Barnabas Collins (as played by Jonathan Frid in the original TV series Dark Shadows)
6. Jean-Claude (from Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter novels)
-- Ann Wicker
Who I Would Vote For Before I'd Vote For Bush:
1. Anyone the Democratic Party nominates
2. Gerald Ford
3. Dan Quayle
4. Britney Spears
5. Jimmy "J.J." Walker
6. Any car mechanic randomly picked from the yellow pages
7. A corpse
8. Janet Jackson's nipple jewelry
9. My dog
10. Your dog
11. A fire hydrant
12. A baloney sandwich
-- John Grooms
Uptown Bar Scavenger Hunt:
1. Bottle of Bud Light
2. Khaki pants
3. Little Black Dress
4. Thong panties
5. Person going "Woooooo!"
6. Flyers advertising a "Pimp and Ho" party later that week
7. Hot dog vendor
8. Drunk guy telling his friends "I am soooooo wasted..."
9. Girl saying to her friends "I'm soooooo drunk, you guys..."
10. "Mind if I bum a cigarette?"
-- Tim Davis
Best Guinness Pints Pulled:
1. Sir Edmund Halley's
2. The Penguin
3. Ri Ra
4. The Steeple
5. My house
-- John Schacht
Top Reasons Liberals Are Screwed In America:
1. While they were busy splintering into a thousand identity issue groups, getting in touch with themselves, facilitating their actualization, visualizing a sustainable future, staring at their own navels and worrying about buying politically meaningful clothing and household goods, conservatives were learning the precinct system, mastering grassroots politics, getting organized, and mobilizing their supporters to the polls.
2. No second reason. Number 1 pretty well sums it up.
-- John Grooms
People We'd Like To See Kissing At the Next MTV Awards:
1. Ray Charles and Ani di Franco
2. Fred Durst and Bob Dole
3. Tammy Faye Messner and Anna Nicole Smith
4. Lil Kim and Ric Flair
5. Will and Grace
6. Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson
-- John Grooms
Why You Couldn't Pay Me Enough To Move Back To A Small Town:
1. Pokey drivers.
2. People corner you while you're shopping and expect you to talk to them for a long time.
3. Old bag busybodies who think they're arbiters of everyone else's lives.
4. No leash laws.
5. Lousy or nonexistent bookstores.
6. The people in charge are folks whose goal in life was to be in charge of a small town.
-- John Grooms
Top 5 Nicknames Robert Johnson Is Considering for the New Arena:
5. The Crossroads
4. The Mound Uptown
3. The Norman Vincent Peale Memorial Arena
2. The B.E.T. Center
1. The Big Johnson
-- Tim Davis
5 Reasons HMV Drivers Are Going to Hell:
5. Parking in two spaces
4. Supporting terrorism by giving money to Saudi oil whores
3. Destroying the environment
