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The Second Annual List Issue


Why There's An Introduction:
1. It's a tradition that when a paper puts out a special issue, the special content is preceded by an introduction to tell people what it's about.

2. If there wasn't one, some readers would call and say they can't figure out what all these lists are for.

3. I want to avoid taking those calls.

Why There's a List Issue:
1. People love lists.

2. Lists are the only writing a lot of people do these days.

3. It's relatively easy if you have a good imagination.

4. We did this last year and it was unexpectedly popular so we figured, "Duh. Let's do it again."

5. For you, our beloved fans, in hopes that you will experience endlessly rewarding reading pleasure -- make that reading ecstasy .

Why I'd Rather Not Be Writing An Introduction:
1. It's hard to create something out of nothing.

2. Not too many people even read introductions anyway.

3. I have a lot of other stuff to do.

What I'd Rather Be Doing Than Writing An Introduction:
1. Sitting on a beach in New Zealand.

2. Walking through the teapot exhibit at the Mint Museum of Craft + Design.

3. Catching up on my reading.

4. Learning to be a professional pest exterminator.

5. Putting rubber bands around stacks of grocery store bonus coupons.

6. Fixing a screen door hinge.

7. Pretty much anything.

Ways to End The Introduction:
1. Happy reading!

2. Enjoy!

3. We hope you have as much fun reading this special issue as we've had putting it together, etc., etc., blah blah blah.

4. Tell your friends where you saw it.

5. See you next year!

6. Your fly is open.

-- John Grooms

Top Charlotte Urban Myths:
1. John Boy once lost a finger while cooking but went ahead and deep fried it and served it anyway.

2. Suzanne Stevens once tried to dry her hair by sticking her head in a microwave and attempting to turn it on with the door open.

3. The ghosts of mill workers killed in a textile strike during the Depression haunt several houses in NoDa, throwing old bobbins and spitting tobacco juice on the shutters.

4. City Councilman James "Smuggie" Mitchell is leading a double life and is night manager of a Kinko's in Johnson City, TN.

5. Sheri Lynch used to be country singer Conway Twitty before having a sex change operation.

6. One night, Hugh McColl was seen climbing up the side of the Bank of America building with a Barbie doll clutched in his hand.

7. Mayor Fratboy has a dog that has killed three mailmen in the past three years.

8. The folks who work at Price's Chicken Coop are members of a cult who all live and work together there 24 hours a day. Those in the know call the business Price's Chicken Cult.

9. Years ago, a technician at the Lance cracker plant slightly changed a recipe for one of the cracker fillings and soon afterward received a patent for Bondo.

10. A naked man who says he's looking for AA batteries walks into one of the area's Eckerd's drugstores every Friday night.

-- John Grooms

Second Annual Strom Thurmond To-Do List:
1. Sleep a little more.

2. Pinch Satan's wife on the ass.

3. Remember to ask guy next to me if there's a cigarette machine down here.

4. Propose a special "Can't we all get along since we're all burned black anyway?" day.

5. Spend some more time jawin' with them Twin Towers terrorists.

-- John Grooms

Top Charlotte-based Reality Programs:
1. Mission Impossible: Fox Edge co-host Mark Mathis tries to stop being annoying for five minutes.

2. Who Wants to Marry an Orange Construction Cone?

3. Survivor: 29 days on LaSalle Street

4. Taxicab Driver Confessions: "I charge drunks outrageous fares to drive them home."

5. Tow Truck Driver Confessions: "I can charge whatever I want! I'm a tow truck driver damnit, HaaHaaa."

6. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (Bill James makes a comeback!)

7. Fear Factor: City Council is asked to show leadership and actually make a decision without checking with the big banks first. Watch as Mayor Pat shudders in horror and passes out.

8. Amazing Race: Six couples are given just 24 hours to navigate the diabolical Myers Park intersection of Queens Road, Queens Road and Providence Road. They will be armed with nothing but their wits, a compass and determination. Who will be the last couple standing?

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