Editor's note: Hollis Gillespie's column is due at noon on Fridays. Last Thursday, she sent a note to her Atlanta editor, Doug Monroe, and her usual cast of characters. Following is their e-mail exchange:
To: Doug Monroe, Grant Henry, Daniel Troppy, Lary Blodgett
Sent: Nov. 10, 7:14pm
Subject: Hollis is in the hospital
Doug, I have to go the hospital today. Something ruptured or something, I can't stand straight and my doctor told me to go straight from his office to the emergency room, but before going there I snuck off to e-mail you (and pick up my girl from school and get her situated) to say I don't think I can get my column in tomorrow because I will probably still be in the emergency room, because Christ they take so fucking long! If I can't write the column, get Daniel or Grant or Lary to write one for me. They've been guest columnists in the past. I've copied them on this e-mail. I only feel sorry for you because they are a NIGHTMARE to edit!!! SORRY, and hopefully it won't even be an issue. Hollis
Nov. 10, 9:59pm
Hollis: Don't apologize, for God's sake! Take care of yourself! Just keep me posted. Doug
Nov. 10, 10:18pm
.... doug, i hope to hell, by the power of my smelly hand, that hollis STAYS in the hospital and she can't write her column because ATLANTA deserves the truth! Grant
Nov. 10, 10:30pm
you tell him grant. that honky bleachy hairy bitch has been lying to the public for years now ... hollis the game is up ... let's preach the truth grant
daniel troppy, artist
Nov. 11, 11:10am
Doug, I'm sure Hollis is fine, or dead, because none of us have heard from her since she entered the hospital. She does this on occasion! The first time she came out with some story about her dad being a traveling alcoholic trailer salesman and her mom being a missile scientist with broken dreams of becoming a beautician!!! Today, we'll probably hear that she went into the hospital last night, found out she was pregnant, went through an emergency abortion, named the aborted fetus little George Bush, and is sitting at the coffee shop right now drinking a $5.00 latte.
Nov. 11, 11:41am
still no word on this end ... she can't be pregnant because I'm pretty sure the honky bitch's eggs are fried at this point.
Nov. 11, 12:10pm
Doug, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I heard from Hollis, and she is alive! At least we don't have to clean up the mess of her life ... just yet! Not that any of us want her Filthy Ugly-Ass PT Cruiser, or her lesbian-ass JC PENNEY furniture, or her matted, untrained animals. The bad news is that Hollis is alive. I feel sorry for you having to be her editor ... Do me a favor, tell her you must have her column in by 3pm today ... FIRE HER ASS!!!
Nov. 11, 12:49pm
You worthless pussies! Here I am incapacitated, in the HOSPITAL, hooked up to who knows what all, with probably only hours to live (for all you know), which gives you FIVE SECONDS free reign, and what do you do but ruin my goddam career! Doug, don't listen to these demented dickwads, they sit around like sea urchins all day trying to think up ways to torment me. Thank GOD I'm better now and you don't have to edit the TOTAL TOILET WIPE these bottom fish would shit your way if they had the chance. NOT THAT ANY OF YOU CARE, but the doctors don't know what the hell happened to me and I've got to go in for more tests, which I'm wondering why I should even BOTHER, since I can diagnose my own damn self -- the pain in my side is probably the RUPTURED HERNIA I got from dragging all your worthless hairy asses around at the end of my coattails all these years. That's right, I need an EMERGENCY Grant- and Daniel-ectomy! And throw Lary in there, too, since he can't even raise from the coffin long enough to care that I'm dying.
Nov. 11, 1:12pm
she's back ... the drama queen that i love so much is back from the god damn dead ... bitch, you know you cut my sleep time from 9 hours last night to 8 1⁄2 ... I was worried sick about you.
Nov. 11, 7:09pm
so hollis is in the emergency room. right. i want to see an x-ray with a dark spot shaped like satan ... and she still owes me a bottle of bourbon from the last time i fucked up her column.
Hollis Gillespie is the author of Confessions of a Recovering Slut and Other Love Stories and Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch: Tales from a Bad Neighborhood.