News & Views » The Blotter

The Blotter

by

comment
BEND AT THE KNEES: Police were called to the scenes of two separate thefts that took place within hours of each other, executed by able-bodied strongmen. The items stolen? A massive concrete birdbath and a woman's wrought iron bench.

RICH FOLK BLUES: One man found out that even the wealthy can experience hardship when his boat caught on fire at the city yacht club. The yacht was destroyed.

SPECIAL DELIVERY: A woman awoke one morning to discover that a rather large pumpkin had been smashed into her mailbox overnight. Rumor on the street is that she handed out toothbrushes on Halloween.

SEASON'S GREETINGS: Check out this spirited quote: "Because it's the holidays, I'll be merciful to your sorry ass and not shoot you." Knowing it's better to give than receive, the man followed up his statement by slapping the other guy in the face.

NO SWEET TOOTH: A secretary entered her office one morning and discovered that someone had broken in during the night. The thief broke a side door, stole the petty cash box, and broke into the vending machine taking 10 dollars in bills and change. He didn't, however, steal any candy.

ONE FOR THE ROAD: Once again, the Sunday liquor law has annoyed a drunk. When told it was too early to buy alcohol, this impatient fellow took one bottle out of the six-pack that he was attempting to buy and ran out of the store with it.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: This is D, motherfuckers! I know y'all ain't gonna make me pay some hundred odd dollars for some jacked up looking rental car. Had I known y'all was gonna redecorate my shit like that, I'd have had all my motherfucking dogs come cap you.

CABLE THEFT: Turning the tables on the cable company and their monopoly, one brave soul broke into a cable truck and stole a $3000 micro stealth meter that's used to scan, log, and test signals and bandwidths.

BUTTERFINGERS: A man called police to inform them that his previous call needed to be ignored. His first call concerned mail that had been stolen from the mailbox of the church where he worked. With his second call, however, he told them that he actually dropped half of the mail in the bushes when walking back inside.

WHAT WOULD JARED DO?: A sub shop was held up recently, and the robber came away with $200. Rumors revolving around him thinking that his crime was OK because of what he ate for lunch can't be confirmed at this time.

BLUNT BATTLE: A brother and sister had an argument that really blazed up. They got in each other's faces, cursed, and even threatened one another. The brother ended the confrontation by expelling a large wad of spit on his sister's face. The argument was over the ownership of a cigar.

THAT'S WHY THEY MAKE BODY SHOPS: After his car was broken into, a man was rightfully upset. When it happened a second time, he became angry. His anger was more directed at himself, however, because the second thief got into his car by using the various openings left from the first break-in.

MASSIVE MANHUNT AVOIDED!: After seeing a young teen stuff a porno magazine under his shirt, a store clerk yelled at him but the teenager ran. He was later apprehended a few blocks away, and the magazine was returned safe and sound. The SWAT team call was cancelled, the dogs weren't needed, and the police helicopters never lifted off. The porn was saved!

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte Police Department.

Add a comment