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The Blotter

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* Under the Mattress: A young man is missing $5800. He claims it was stolen from a lockbox kept in his house. He believes the woman who was house-sitting for him took it, but she denies any knowledge of it. Now there's a surprise. Perhaps the man will now be persuaded to make use of a little thing some people like to call: "the bank."

* Calling Denzel: Movies such as Taxi Driver and The Bone Collector have caused citizens across the nation to fear for their lives upon entering a taxi. Now, there are at least a few Charlotteans who may never ride in one again, for fear of their belongings. Last week, a man posing as a taxi driver offered to drive two women to the bank and then to their home. After leaving the women at the bank, however, the suspect took off with their personal items including clothes, cash, diapers, and immigration papers. Unfortunately, the unknown suspect is still on the loose.

* Patience Is a Virtue: A man was apparently infuriated by the slow service he was receiving at a local fast food establishment. When he did receive his food, however, he threw it back at the employees and demanded a refund. Before anyone could return his money, Mr. Patience lunged over the counter and punched a female employee in the face before grabbing the money from the register. The man has not been found.

* Wag the Dog: A young woman was at home when she heard a knock on her door. By the time she reached it, however, the knocker had gone around to the rear of the apartment. While looking out the window, she saw the man, who had his back to her, but she did not recognize him. Was he fidgeting with the lock? Looking for his lost dog? Well, not exactly. The man was, in fact, masturbating.

* Valuable Lesson in Trust: At least one man is kicking himself right now. He allowed another man to drive his $21,000 Suburban, and that man has never returned it. The real kicker: the owner said he has no way to contact the suspect " in fact, he doesn't even know the thief's name.

* Dangerous Sweet Tooth: At about four o'clock one afternoon, two juveniles were arrested for misdemeanor larceny at a local drugstore. They both now have records, and for what? One bag of hard candy worth a whopping $1.69.

* Sheer Poetry: A middle-aged woman recently reported that two men threatened her. One man said, "I'm going to burn your ass. When I see you again, I'm going to kick your ass." The other man followed with, "When I see your motherfucking ass, I'm going to beat your motherfucking ass." Surprisingly, Eminem was not one of the suspects.

* Sleeping with the Enemy? A man recently received an up-close and personal taste of women's liberation. He was chased around the kitchen and up the stairs by his wife, who was armed with a sharp kitchen knife. Although she was gaining on him, he managed to beat her to the bedroom and locked the door. The wife attempted to kick the door in but was unsuccessful. One can almost hear her grunting with each bang: "Just. . .one. . .more. . .tae. . .bo. . .class!"

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