* A man lost his check card; the last time he remembers using it, he was at one of the more prominent strip clubs in town. If only columns like this didn't exist, his secret would be safe.
* A 62-year-old man was hit over the head by a family member who used the man's own walking cane to do the deed.
* One Man's Abraham Lincoln is Another Man's Crack Pipe: A man was nabbed trying to shoplift an electric toothbrush. When they searched him, they found his crack pipe, which has been valued at one cent in the police report.
* In the early hours on a recent Monday, a man strolled into a gas station and chose a 20-pack of delicious domestic beer from the cooler. He walked up to the counter, presumably to pay, when, without warning, he bolted, leaving the store without paying for his long necks.
* Saga of a Vacuum Cleaner: The suspect and the victim got into an argument over a vacuum cleaner. But it is more complicated than that. Just who the suspect and the victim happen to be changes from report to report because both women involved called the police claiming to have been assaulted by the other. The same officer responded to both calls and wrote up reports on both. The first woman to call in was in her 50s and the argument/assault occurred at her house. The second woman is in her mid-20s. Here, blow for blow, are the accounts:
"On 10-28-01 between 1800 hours and 1822 hours the suspect assaulted the victim. The suspect and the victim got into an altercation about a vacuum cleaner at the home of the older woman."
How the older woman described what happened next: "She knocked at my door yelling for me to come out."
How the younger woman described it: "I knocked on her door in order to get my vacuum cleaner."
Older woman: "When I opened the door she entered my home and grabbed me."
Younger woman: "Suddenly she opened the door and grabbed me with both hands."
Older woman: "She grabbed me with both hands by the throat and pulled me outside."
Younger woman: "She grabbed me around the chest area then hit me in the face."
Then, "the victim and the suspect got into a scuffle outside the apartment that ended up back inside the apartment."
Older woman: "That's when her friend entered the apartment and grabbed me by the hair."
Younger woman: "She then bit me in the upper chest area once inside the apartment. She then picked up a knife and tried to strike me with the knife."
In the end, "the victim[s] wanted to prosecute and was going to the magistrate's office Monday to sign out warrants for the suspect['s] arrest."
And so, the saga has ended for now.