BURNING HEAP O' DOO: A south Charlotte woman told police someone set fire to a paper sandwich bag filled with the suspect's feces on her door step.

KIDS THESE DAYS: Somebody (or somebodies) climbed into an elementary school through an unlocked door, dispensed the contents of a fire extinguisher inside the school and took off with the device. At least they didn't bring a gun to school, right?

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS: A man called a guy about a "dry cleaning incident" only to be told this: "I can't believe you're f***ing calling me on a Saturday night about a dry cleaning matter. If I knew where you were or who you were, I would kick your f***ing ass over this matter. You must be desperate matter." Possibly the cops felt similarly about being called about a dry cleaning matter.

SEXY SEPTUAGENARIAN: It's one thing when some lowlife assumes a lone woman walking on the street is up for harassment. It's another when harassment from said lowlife occurs in your own parking lot. Apparently losers never learn. A 71-year-old woman told cops that someone "did unlawfully solicit her for a crime against nature" in the parking lot of her apartment complex.

THREAT OF THE WEAK: A "suspect" (no gender was indicated) called an 18-year-old woman on her cell phone four times. During one call, he said, "I'm going to come spray you and your little bastard up."

THE DEATH PENALTY: Threatening a woman and her kid? Pathetic. Threatening a cat? That's just evil. A man told police that somebody he didn't recognize called his cell phone and said he would strangle his pregnant cat and kick it in the face. Let's hope karma's a bitch.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte Police Department.