YOU MIGHT BE A DRUNK IF ... : You have to steal a Breathalyzer. A person's $70 Breathalyzer was stolen from his Volkswagen Jetta while it was parked outside a Freedom Drive club.
ALERT DOUG HANKS: A $3,000 wrought-iron gate to the Confederate Veteran's Memorial at Elmwood Cemetery was reported stolen on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The gate had a Confederate States of America emblem in the center.
STOLEN GRASS: A funeral home staffer reported that 61 grass plants were dug up and stolen from the funeral home's lawn.
GEE, WHERE'D HE LEARN TO STEAL?: A rent-to-own store reported an employee embezzled a sectional living room set, 57-inch TV and washer/dryer set -- merchandise they could've been renting at three-digit annual percentage rates.
WHAT AN AIRHEAD: Two people were driving on Central Avenue when one assaulted the other with an oxygen tank, causing the victim's head to swell.
DAMN THOSE TPS REPORTS: A business on Carowinds Boulevard reported stolen three folders containing "receiving documents." Replacing them will be "very costly."
CALL OUT THE SWAT TEAM: Someone stole a south Charlotte man's Observer on a recent Sunday. Don't thieves know you have to clip coupons if you even hope to afford that McMansion?
WHO WOULD ACTUALLY TOUCH A BAR TOILET?: A suspect went into the women's restroom and ripped the toilet from the floor of a bar and "grubberia" on Albemarle Road.
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS: A Central Avenue grocery chain store reported someone stole $32 of laundry detergent.
DOES DOUGIE HAVE AN ALIBI?: Perhaps borrowing from Neil Patrick Harris' turn in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, a suspect drove off in a vehicle while the victim went inside a Circle K.
STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK ... : Your bones, but words can definitely disrupt your shift at the grocery store. A supermarket on W.T. Harris Boulevard reported "Nina is a Bitch" was spray-painted on the front of the building.
(UNCREATIVE) THREAT OF THE WEEK: Someone called a man and told him, "I'm going to kill you and your son," and, "If I don't get even with you, I will get your son."
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte Police Department.