Welcome Home Police responded to a First Ward apartment in Uptown last week after a woman woke up to something far worse than a newspaper on her doorstep. The woman told officers that at some point, an unknown suspect had defecated on her welcome mat. She told police that she attempted to clean the mat but couldn't possibly do so to her standards, so she had to throw it away. Who could blame her?

Snack Time A man with the munchies broke into a nursing home in Cotswold last week, but didn't make it far with his snacks. According to the report, the man forced open a locked door at the facility at around 7:30 p.m. one night, and made off with multiple bags of crackers, a tub of peanut butter, a box of oats and a package of Oreos. His escape didn't go well, however, as police reported picking the man up only a block away.

Seeking Refuge Employees at a hotel in southwest Charlotte called police last week after all of their lives were threatened over the potential that they may have been hosting a woman hiding from her monster of an ex. The hotel manager told police that a man showed up looking for his ex-girlfriend, who he believed was staying there. The man told employees he was going to shoot up the entire hotel if he couldn't talk to the woman, and according to the report, was acting in ways that made employees "believe the suspect is capable of carrying this act out."

Menace We were all apparently victims of a crime last week, whether we knew it or not. A man in south Charlotte filed a police report after another man allegedly urinated on his property in front of him. According to the report, the suspect quickly apologized when confronted and drove off in his car. On the report, the CMPD listed the victim of this heinous act as "society."

That Escalated Quickly Police responded to a scene in south Charlotte last week after a little roughhousing quickly became something else altogether. A 14-year-old boy told police that he was playfully wrestling with the suspect when the suspect suddenly and violently threw him to the ground. He then proceeded to punch and kick the victim repeatedly about his face and head. When a 25-year-old man tried to jump in and break up the fight, the suspect turned his aggression on him, kicking him in the groin and punching him in the arm and chest.

Death From Above A woman who owns an apartment complex in the University area filed a police report after one of her tenants blew his load, endangering a neighbor. The woman told officers the man accidentally shot through the floor of his apartment with a shotgun, with the resulting blast going through the ceiling of the apartment below him. Nobody was injured in the incident.

Conspicuous A man was arrested at a recycling center near the NoDa neighborhood last week after he pushed his luck in an effort to sell illegal metals. Police said employees alerted police when the guy showed up trying to sell nearly 2,000 pounds of cellphone tower batteries. He was also found to have used a fake ID in the transaction.

Stripped It's unclear how a thief in north Charlotte will be able to use what he stole from a woman's porch last week, but her poor husband is now missing out on what would surely have been a consistent show for him. The 27-year-old woman filed a report after a suspect stole a UPS package that was left on her porch, one that contained a pole-dancing pole.

I Scream A group of suspects in east Charlotte put in a lot of effort for a little bit of return during a home invasion last week. According to the report, three suspects kicked a man's door in at about 3:30 p.m. one day only to steal a $10 package of ice cream and a box of 9-millimeter bullets.

Fake Dues Counterfeit currency has been making the rounds in Charlotte lately, as a couple reports have surfaced about folks using the fake money to purchase things from auction sites online. According to one victim, she was given $964.24 for an iPhone 7 she sold over the internet, but after meeting the buyer and getting the money, she found that only the 24 cents was real. Another man sold his 55-inch television for $55 dollars of what turned out to be theatrical money only meant as a movie prop.

Going Down Swinging A woman in southwest Charlotte was arrested last week for driving with a suspended license, but she was not going to make things easy for police officers. According to police, the woman allegedly gave an incorrect name when she was originally pulled over. When officers tried to detain her, she fought them, throwing punches and pulling the hair of a female officer, whose Fitbit bracelet was broken off of her arm during the struggle.

Family Matters A 36-year-old man was admitted to the hospital last week after his son stabbed him in the abdomen during an argument in the home they share in the Belmont neighborhood. In an unrelated incident, a 15-year-old girl was returned to her mother after being found drunkenly walking down the street in southwest Charlotte.