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The Blotter: Beer By Any Means

Bizzare crime from Charlotte police files (May 25-31)

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If At First You Fail A man was motivated to get out of a South End CVS with a free can of beer last week, and he didn't care what strategy he had to implement to get it. First, employees noticed the man stuffing a can of beer down his pants in an attempt to steal it (or just cool his junk off), but he wasn't ready to make for the exit just yet. The man pulled another can from the cooler and approached the counter to pay for it, perhaps to throw off the scent of shoplifter he had already given off. The only problem, he wasn't going about this purchase honestly, either. The man attempted to buy the second beer with counterfeit money, but ran from the store when confronted.

Mightier Than the Sword Too much homework can make you want to stab someone, which is what makes an incident that occurred at Reid Park Academy last week all the more dangerous. A school resource officer said someone at the school told him about a student with a pen that was also a knife. Sure enough, when the officer investigated, he found the student to be in possession of a pen from which you could remove the back and it would become a small knife. The perfect tool for those more intense essay contests.

Take Your Pick An officer approached a vehicle at a stop light on Park Road last week at around 2 a.m. after he noticed the man wasn't bothering to go when the light turned green. Of course, the officer found that the man had dozed off behind the wheel, and woke him up for a pop quiz, also known as a field sobriety test. The man showed signs of impairment, and was arrested for DWI due to drug impairment. While searching the suspect, officers found naltrexone, a drug meant to fight off the effects of opiates or decrease the desire to take such drugs, but alongside that were six different pipes made for smoking a bevy of different drugs. So there's no telling what it was that sent the man into an unplanned early morning nap.

Can I Crash Here? An underage drunk driver was also found to be inebriated last week after crashing his car in east Charlotte. Officers responded to a call involving the suspect, who had been involved in an accident at 7:30 a.m. in which he struck a house. Officers administered sobriety tests to the driver, which should have just been a quick one question test: Did you just drive into a fucking home?

Undocumented Hopefully, a 25-year-old American man was not making any plans to leave the country, as a recent vehicle break-in left him stuck here under Trump with the rest of us, at least for the foreseeable future. The man filed a police report last week after his car was broken into in his University condominium's parking lot overnight. The man told police that the thief stole nothing but his birth certificate and passport, and is probably now fleeing to the border to start a new life as a lucky American ex-pat.

People of Walmart An aggressive duo of shoplifters struck at a Walmart on Albemarle Road last week, and took down an older woman in order to make off with their non-impressive booty. According to a 64-year-old employee of the store, a man was approaching the exit with a set of bathroom chimes that he hadn't paid for. When she asked him to please stop, another man came at her and knocked her to the ground before both made a run for it together. Police then probably checked the vicinity for any tell-tall ringing sounds.

People of Target While it's a relatively normal occurrence for nicotine addiction to take hold of someone to the point where they throw a brick through a convenience store window and make off with boxes of cigarettes, one thief at the Metropolitan was at least trying to make better decisions last week. According to Target employees at the location, a man came in and grabbed several boxes of Nicorette gum before fleeing the store and hopping into a getaway vehicle. We wish you all the luck in breaking your habit, sir.

Sportsmanship Police recently responded to a youth football game at Martin Luther King, Jr. Middle School after the game broke out into a melee involving both kids and parents. A 35-year-old woman filed a report stating that two juvenile suspects pushed down her 6-year-old son during the game and began kicking him in the head. When she tried to come to her son's defense, a parent of one of those boys pushed her and then pulled her to the ground.

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